Gastric Sleeve

I’ve been seeing my doctor every 6 months for years. During my last visit right before Christmas, he mentioned that maybe it was time to refer me to a weight management program. I had really expressed my frustration. I can lose it by drastically cutting carbs (pcos), but I can’t maintain it. 2 years was my longest stretch maintaining a significant weight loss and it was miserable. My body fought me every step of the way to hover 165 lbs and the excessive exercise lead to my back injury. Things have changed since that happened. I’m in constant pain now but I will be damned if I go to a pain clinic. I come from a family of addicts. Hard pass on the permanent pain killers. On the other hand, my quality of life is 0. A second surgery isn’t much of an option as you pay a fortune and then run the risk of hurting yourself again by moving awkward.

So anyway, I decided after the holidays I’d go see the specialist. I am a good candidate for a gastric sleeve. There’s a very high chance it would help eliminate most of my medications (6 at 33 years old is asinine). I had to go to a seminar before the appointment to learn about the procedure. The consult was more of a discussion about my history, etc.

I have begun the required program that prepares you for surgery. There’s tons and tons of steps you have to take for your insurance provider to deem you eligible regardless of what the doctor says. There are diet trials, Psych consults, fitness classes, food journaling etc. I honestly haven’t even decided if this is what I want to do, but it’s such a long process I’m starting and I’ll see how I feel.

My first diet trial was in a class setting yesterday. There were 7 or 8 other women there with me. It’s an intimidating setting. Women are harsh to each other to begin with, but they size you up in there. They look at you head to toe all with the same thought, “is she bigger than me?” I know I did. We all had to be weighed prior to going in and I am 100+ lbs smaller than these other women. That does not mean I am better than them in any way. It did however make me question how I really see myself.

We’ve started going over nutrition and the do’s and don’ya pre/post surgery. No more carbonation, no wine for a year, 4-6 oz worth of food at a time, really learning how to use food for energy supply and not emotional support. This is going to be a process where I learn a lot about myself. When I lost all that weight a few years ago I dove right in, fearless. Something is holding me back now. Maybe I know that I use food as a crutch and I am afraid if I take that away right now I will crumble under the pressure of this family?

Where has my fight gone?