everything i have loved has turned to stone

I desire whiskey, and clove cigarettes, and empty kisses. That’s my revenge. sad really. To think I could get someone back by drowning myself in sorrow and temporarily numbing myself. Funny thing is I can think about these things over and over again, obsess over them, but I never actually want them bad enough to follow through. Just like that list of places I could get in my car and go to at any given moment and find a cure for falling asleep alone.

I guess I’m just physically becoming dizzy and ill over all these boys that should be men by now, saying how they wish for nothing but a lovely girl, who’s clever, and happy, pretty, outgoing, independent, and all these wonderful things, and I am right here. RIGHT HERE. I could make you a happy man. But somewhere between the lines I am not enough. But I am, I am more than enough. I hope so severely that they realize when it’s too late, and they can enjoy their endless slew of fucked up mindless women, for that is all they are going for. Where is the disconnect? Whether they are afraid, or insecure, come what may, it doesn’t hurt any less when they take what they want. I thought I wanted it too, but I wanted the rest of you. I would take the grotesque gut wrenching moments along with the serenity, the moments of sheer bliss. It aches so deeply that I want to peel the flesh back from my own chest, diffuse my lungs, and rip this wrung out heart from these ribs, this cage that confines my simple unfulfilled desires. To love and be loved. Such a timeless longing. Seemingly rare that it is carried out.

All I wish for is that lightness in my belly, smiling myself to sleep.

Matching lips, and fingertips.

I was composed to love. It’s just how i am made up, every ounce of this body, and my invisible soul, the constant beating of my heart, those pretty white ribbons of light that shot from my fingertips that October night years ago. All pointing towards one thing.

I’m going to find it. All of the heartache leading up to that revelation of  adoration will have been well worth it.