i dont know how i continue to breathe,

 let my chest rise and fall.

my heart is torn and in pieces. i have given every fiber of my being to a man, fallen deeply and truely in love with him just to have him just to have him shut me out because "i dont have the time to devote to it" that was his reason after putting me througfh the darkest period in my life. that was all he had to say,. "you never did anything wrong babe, its not you"

are you fucking kidding me?

"you’re wasting your time on me babe we’re not going to beable to be together"

i could barely breathe. he couldnt talk to me for weeks or see me for longer. and thats all he had to say, i was locked up in my room unable to sleep or eat or see from all the tears. and when i did sleep i was haunted with dreams of him and that is all he had to say to me. over a text message no less.

i dont understand. my heart is in so much pain. its deep and real and my heart is so swollen and feels hollow. he drained me of everything he took all of my love and let it dissolve. i feel empty and dead inside. i dont know whats real anymore. all i know now is this raw pain, this nauseating sleepless ache of love gone wrong, betrayal. i cant even write it out, words cannot justify this awful sensation. music can mimic it, but thats as close as it gets. he broke me. i can never say that out loud, but he did it.

he is the one i will never forget and always wonder "what if"

he fucked me up bad, and i honestly dont know if i can heal or move on from this one. because nothing really happened to sever  us besides his words that it wasnt me. then what was it? i think i at least deserve to know that. sure your life is crazy. thats all you have? thats your defense to throwing away a girl that gave you her heart and soul on a silver platter and dressed the part 24/7 cooked you dinner cleaned your house and did your laundry? why would you throw me away when i am all that you ever needed. i dont ask questions when youy get your secret calls and have to leave and cancel our plans. i understand i wait up for you. and kiss you deeply and endlesslyu thinkm o fyou when you leave in the morning. i am your girl. and you cut me off, gut me of all respect and dignity because your life is crazy. i will never unsderstand that.NEVER.

i fucking love you, gave it all. showed you truth and LOVE pure fucking love and devotion, just to have it thrown in my face.

 

im so sick to my stomach right now. i cannot even think straight.

i got a tattoo today, one that he inspired, pain driven.

its beneath my left breast, right on the reverse cleavage you know. its my first color ink, scarlet red. it says "for love and failing"

it hurt so badly on my ribs, but i just closed my eyes and thought of the pain i felt trapped up in my room, so hopeless and i cancelled it out. becauswe nothing, i mean NOTHING, can match that pain. of caring for someone so much that you want to die. trying to figure out ways to be perfect for them. and overanalyzing every single detail. violent love for someone. a needle pressing against your ribcage is childsplay.

hope.

that is all that there is left right?

hope for resolution, or an answer.

hope for better days. hope to let love and let go, as much as its honestly KILLING me, i must have hope or i will die, i will be crushed. but thats not me. i am a fighter. you can break me but i will come out on top. if nothing i believe in myself and my strength to ressurect. and defy all means of supression. i am a scorpio, a scorpion, an eagle, a pheonix. nothing can kill or stop me but myself, not a damn thing. right now i am terrified and dying and weak and vulnerable, but that too shall pass. i must let the season and music and the people in my life heal me.

 

for now howvever, i am going to embrace every single molecule of this heartache and know that i will always love that man, and every memory is locked in place.

every song i listen to makes me think of him, all so eerily suitable.

hope fore the hopeless

 

love.love