go get your knife

today was perfect.

in every sense of the word.

i  woke to some lovely words from a darling man, twisted my heart.

i walked off a cliff and fell about 30 feet, breaking the surface of the water and sinking another ten feet till i hit rock bottom. i pushed off and opened my eyes. followed the light and gasped for air.  my body is sore and my left arm feels like a swarm of bees laid their stingers to rest upon it. the tingle is riveting in ways. i feel new.

my darling mother was with us today as well, being that it was in fact the birthdate of my sister Amanda (15). i get so low when i think of how sad she must be time and time again. i wish i could make her happy all the time, on the ride home i was smiling and telling her how beautiful everything was around us. a sunset to our right the moon high on the left and black clouds and violet lightning straight ahead. rain on the glass. she smiled. but as time passed i was watching her and it was just so gut wrenching i wanted to cry. her eyes were glassed over and she had a faint grin, but it was terribly… just sad. she looked so upset. im not sure eevn why i am telling anyone this, for im not sure they understand. i just wish she was genuinely happy, and you cant give time back. i wish i could. just to her.

" I don’t know! I DON’T KNOW! I’m lost! I’m scared! I feel like I’m disappearing! MY SKIN COMING OFF! I’M GETTING OLD! Nothing makes any sense to me! NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE! " – eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

why oh why? do i fall in love with the unattainable???

thunder and lightning.

lul me to dreams.

love.love