What’s been up with me (it’s very long)

Hey OD’ers

Sorry it took me so long to write  but I had to find a quiet place to clear my head and write this.
To write every detail of what’s been going on would take me forever but what I’ve been doing is journaling this process so I’ll start from my seperation.

The night before my birthday Quincy and I had a talk. I was discussing with him my last MAP (making apostolic people) class and how there was a prophetic word to me about how I was so connected to family,  How God was getting ready to seperate me to move beyond my current circle of friends and it will be a lonely place for a season but God will bring it all together. As we were talking somehow I began talking about my past and how recently I’ve been around my dad and he has just been really telling me A LOT about my past. I don’t know if I ever told you this before but a large portion of my childhood I had forgotten. Well lately my dad when we sit and talk he tells me about his past and how he tried so hard to block all of the bad things out of my life because he didn’t want my circumstances to make me a hard person and hate my mother. He tried to shield me from a lot and I never realized it until recently. I told you my mom was never really in my life right?  Well at the age of 19 I had a real big fight with my mom and she flipped out on me and started acting and talking like a completely different person. At first I thought she was  playing but then it really scared me. My mother suffered from multiple personalities. I never knew this. My Dad ALWAYS knew this and that is why he got custody of me as a child because my mother was not mentally stable enough to raise me. There were times when my dad when to college that my mom would leave me in the house for days at a time as a baby to go on drinking and getting high binges. Well at 6 months old child protective services took me from the both of them. My dad was so hurt by it he said he was only allowed to visit me for 1 hour a week and he would come down with my grandma to see me. They have a picture of one of their visits that I had I didn’t know the surroundings but this picture brought up so much for my father that he began telling me everything. About the times when my mother would tell me she was coming to visit and would never show up and my family had to pry me off of the front porch or the living room couch @ 12AM at night because I refused to move from my spot in my good sunday dress waiting on my mom to show up. How some days I would just cry and it hurt my grandmother and aunts to much that they developed a rage filled hate for my mother for what she did to me. I then developed this attitiude of no remorse. I would do things mean, hateful things to people and not realize I had just done them. My aunt and uncles used to make fun of me and tell me I was going to be crazy when I grew up cause my mother was crazy. And then my dad got a girlfriend when I was 4. That woman was a mother to me. I mean never before had I had anyone that loved me so much did my hair(she was a hairdresser),  Took me shopping she became my best friend. Her and my daddy married when I was 10 years old. Then the drugs began. My daddy had always been around hustlers he was a hustler himself actually. but he started with cocaine and then moved to crack. then he got my step mother hooked on it. All the while I’m watching all this unfold at 10-11 years old. My dad would get high and go on extended drug binges and my stepmother would get high and beat me for no reason. So i started running away. At about 11 my mom came back into my life and would pick me up on certain weekends and spoil me rotten. I loved it. My stepmother got pregnant by my father when I was eight and had my little sister.

At 12 years old my daddy and my stepmother got a divorce,  daddy went into rehab about 6-7 times. My stepmother did as well but she wasn’t successful for a long while until I was about 13-14. At 13 my grandmother got really sick. She had diabetes, high blood pressure, and had had one of her legs amputated. She was getting a lot worse. I had lived with my grandmother pretty much while all of this was going on. Really from a baby to about 5 I stayed with my grandmother and from 10-14 I stayed with my grandmother. A God fearing woman who had actually believe it or not been a foster mother to my mom at one point. She was pretty much the only stable version of a mother that I’d had. Anyways back to the story.  at 12 my grandmother got her leg amputated had to start dialysis and her blood pressure began to get the better of her. i began to act out by leaving. Leaving all day not coming home until I felt like it. I knew there were consequences to my actions like a whoopin or punishment usually both LOL and me being the extremist that I am would go all out thinking "well if I’m gonna get in trouble I might as well make it worth it LOL"

Well my behavior really bothered my grandmother. She called my dad and we went to counseling. I couldn’t understand why they wanted me in counseling but hind sight is definitely 20/20 LOL! At 15 my grandmother died from a diabetic coma…. whew had to stop there for a minute. *tears*

Moved in with my dad at 16 cause I couldn’t live in grandma’s house. I would have visions and I kept waking up going to her room cause I heard her calling me to get up every morning. It was too hard…. I moved in with my dad and he had a truck driving Job that caused him to be gone for weeks at a time. Talk about trouble! WOW! living in a neighborhood where I knew NO one and nothing and sitting around with a whole bunch of nothing to do got me in alot of trouble. By 17  I was pregnant,  Granduated high school 3 months pregnant.  by 18  had lexy my daughter and was a master manipulator. I had aunts that taught me how to smoke,  cheat,  get by and that was my M.O. in life yet I still had goals and aspirations to do better. God began to haunt me with dreams of his return everytime I strayed away from him. I mean I was so tormented of Jesus’s return that I would have nightmares of the sun turning blood colored the skies seperating and Jesus was sitting there. And My  grandmother would always tell me to run to the church. It was so bad that even on rainy days when the sun would arise from the rain and an orange glow would cover the horizon I would seriously freak out. I would try to read the bible and would always end up in the first 3 chapters of revelation read about the tribulation and shut my bible up terrified to read anything else LOL. God was definitely trying to get my attention haha!

So anyway fast forward to 07/11/10 10:18 PM Quincy and I are having this conversation and I realize that with all of the turmoil of my past and my trying to move forward and trying to understand exactly what it is that God is trying to do in me I realize that every prophet and person that God would use to speak into my life kept saying " Let go of the past"  I kept thinking. What the heck am I holding on to?!?!?   And it all hit me at once! I am 32 years old and the things that I want to be as a mother were NEVER imparted to me. I didn’t know how to put on makeup until I was 30 years old,  I di

dn’t know how to dress my shape until I was 30 years old. Nurturing and showing my children and even my spouse this vulnerable loving side of me was non existant. I was hard. God is breaking the hard exterior. And what’s so funny is people that have been a part of my life whether friends,  family,  foes,  or whatever if they were describe me to anyone the very first word I get from people is " "She is so sweet", " she has a sweet spirit",  but internally I never saw it. i never exhibited it to my family (kids and hubby) in a way that I wanted it to be conveyed. I was raised by a man so a lot of my mindset is that of a man. my idea of a parent to my kids were to protect and provide for them. That is a man’s perspective. It was a conflict between my husband and I. Not that we bumped heads fought about it or anything but he had to make me realize that that is HIS ROLE not mine lol. My worst fear as always been losing my children or something happening to them. I have made it my life’s goal to be the best mother to them that I can be I didn’t ever want them to have to experience the things that I did. That spirit of rejection. And using comedy and poking fun to justify rejection and hurt. My family is notorious for this. So on 07/11/10  God brought all of this to my attention and He showed me that because I was holding on to ALL of *THIS* I couldn’t see the forest for the trees being in the way. Future?!? HUNH?  What future?  i was too busy worrying about my past. Too busy crying and hurting or getting angry whenever those waves of memories would flood in. But God was telling me that it was time to finally LET IT GO. Move forward. I was not supposed to make it this far and I should have been dead by now let the devil tell it BUT GOD! So that night I prayed that God Seal the revelation in my spirit and that by faith I can move forward and not dwell or hold on to the past but instead be able to see those memories and instead of hurting or becoming angry to give God the Glory for my story. He has kept me over a tumultuous childhood a weary adulthood and now it’s time to be released to a victorious and Glorious Now. It was my Kairos moment.

But God said the only way to move forward is to still away. First place to leave Internet distractions (FACEBOOK) LOL. There were WAYYYY too many distractions there. I even have to take a break from R.O.G. for the moment. because That was the circle of friends that I had to leave to go farther. There is a little bit of confusion and drama going on within their lives anyway that I cannot be bothered with at this time. 

So from that date these are the things that I have journaled:
Learned the names of the God and the meanings and received abundant revelation from them:
Elohim – God who creates, creator God
Jehovah – The Living God. derived from hebrew name Yahweh
El Shaddai – Compound name – God of supernatural Abundance and provision Shows God’s qualities of power and might and turning nature around and providing the miraculous
*ADONAI – Reflects our responsibility to Him rather than his to us. means MASTER,  OWNER,  or LORD
Jehovah Jireh – Revealing God of all provision
Jehovah M’Kaddesh – The Lord who sanctifies
Jehovah Nissi – The Lord my banner of victory
Jehovah Rophe – Living God of my Health. When was have health there is no need of a healer
Jehovah Shalom – The Revealing One of peace. Jewish people say "shalom shalom"  meaning God’s peace in the inner man, God’s peace in the outer man Complete peace of God
Jehovah Tsidkenu – The living revealing God of our righteousness
Jehovah Rohi – The Revealing Lord my Shepherd. Rohi means to feed. The Good Shepherd
Jehovah Shammah – The Lord is here. God’s presence is always with his people
El Elyon – Most High God – God Most High or Mighty One Most High comes from root word meaning "alah"  meaning to exalt,  to ascend,  or climb. There is no thing hight than the MOST HIGH GOD
Jehovah TSEBOATh – Lord of Hosts. Tseboath means to wage war.
Jehovah Makkeh – The LORD our Smither. Shapes and molding me in perfect lively stones,  molded together and operating in unity.  God does break us so that he can mold us. But he never crushes us
Jehovah Gmolah – God of recompense. recompense meaning to repay,  to reward or to compensate.
Jehovah Elohay – My personal God
Jehovah Elohe Israel – The Personal God of Isreal
Jehovah Eloheenu – The Lord Our God.

Introspective from this time of seperation:
Things that I know to be true of me:
I am a prophet to the nations
I am being transformed into HIS light
I have and still am releasing the weight of my past
I will begin to travel (natural spiritual????)
My spirit contains God’s Beauty
God wants me to embrace my Beauty

Things that have been brought to my attention:
I had a religious spirit over me (stronghold)
I functioned in a calling that I am sure God did NOT tell me was mines (intercessor)  – (Basically a MAN told me that I would be an intercessor but God brought to my attention that not once since that MAN told me this did I ever hear from God that this was my ministry. The only thing God has ever audibly spoke into my spirit was that of the prophet) This one brought alot of pain and embarrassment. I know that I am an intercessor in the light that Ever christian is an intercessor in which Christ is the Chief intercessor but as a calling and a ministry God has shown me that I perfected the gift and studied and through grace have been might and powerful through it but that was never what HE told me I was to do for him. Surprise surprise
There is power in my voice
My habits and submission in every area of my life will bring total deliverance (finance, weight, emotions)

I then was brought into the realization that I must prophesy according to my faith. Went into a whole study on this. Romans 12:6

I have been losing weight I ran my first 5K last weekend and I’m really getting on track as far as eating and getting fit. Then God brought me to this book about advancing my career. Then God started to reveal to me my finances coming together. As of yesterday everything begun to unfold and I could FINALLY see my future and the realization about it all is that it’s gonna take WORK. HARD WORD to achieve all of these goals that God has set before me.  Well I think all this HARD work takes me out of my comfort zone and it just seems like I’ve had a 50 foot bulk of mail dropped in front of me and sorting through it is going to take forever. I sometimes have the ability to be tunnel visioned and do things head on but at the same time I can be a procrastinator. There is definitely an element of fear in doing this and I had to discuss this with Quincy last night. He is so supportive and says they don’t want to feel like they are holding me up in doing what God is calling me to do but I on the other hand don’t want my family to suffer because of all these things that I have to do. He has been afforded an opportunity from a very good friend to switch jobs. And in the beginning he will make less but after 6 months he will make more money than he has ever made. He is contemplating it because of the shift. Who cares about the shift we can make it work LOL. plus he’ll get to see the kids more is what I say. We’re praying about it.  Anyway as I have been quite overwhelmed lately this is where I’m at. Thankful to God for his Grace and excited about what he has for me but yet terrified of taking that first step. lol.

So this is what I’ve been through in a nutshell. Hope you get time to read it all as this is pretty long lol.

This song has literally Defined this season in my life. Please listen to it when you get a chance:

Thanks,
Doneta N. Dawson