A Story about mom and me

I thought it’d be proper to tell my testimony about a particular situation with my mom. For one because I was asked about how she passed, and two because it is one of most powerful testimonies I’ve ever given.

My history of my life was that my mom and I were not close. As a matter of fact she didn’t raise me. My dad and my grandma raised me. So i grew up a grandma’s girl and I went to visit ma every once in a while. Coming up my father was really upset with her but he never let me see his anger about why she left me to be raised by him and my grandma. My aunts and uncles were my surrogate parents (atleast they THINK they were let them tell it lol). I was the first grandchild living in a house of 5 of the leftover children that hadn’t grown up and moved out of my grandmothers house so it was actually like I was the baby sister except the fact that EVERYONE told me what to do. That is except for my uncle. I call him my brother because we were so close. We were only 6 years apart. he was a change of life baby as my grandma had him in her 40’s. Anyways,  mom wasn’t there all of the time. She would pick me up on weekends and holidays and such. And my father never reflected his feelings upon me. But at about 9 years old I started asking questions and no one could answer them. I actually remember when I was 9 years old sitting in my room and writing a play letter to my mom asking why she gave me up or didn’t want me and I THOUGHT that I had tucked it away never to be found but my daddy found it and told her about it and she came over to talk to me about it.I had no idea that she’d even read it lol. So when she came over she broke down crying and tried to explain but to a 9 year old when a grown up uses big words to try and describe something it just sounds like WOMP WOMP WAWOMP WOMP lol. So in essence I never even understood what she was saying through her tears lol. I cried—because she cried,  but I was very tomboyish and all that sissy crying stuff was not a part of my vocab. So i felt like ‘ok I cried so I guess I made her happy’.

Well as a teenager in my junior year of high school my mom came up with this great idea that she wanted me to come live with her for a summer. In the beginning I was all ready to go with this one. I’m like hey she lives in the city and there are lots of cute boys around where she lives. And we can be best friends and really get to know each other. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. It just so happens that when I went out her house to develop a relationship with her she wanted to lay all these ‘rules’ and commandments and punishments to prove that she could be a mother and all this other yadda yadda…… That wasn’t EVEN about to work with me. I was too hardheaded and tough for that. She made rules and I defied them. Just because I’d felt like ‘ hey you haven’t been my mother for 17 years so don’t try to start now’. I called my daddy sooooo many times that summer and asked him to let me come home lol. He willingly accepted the offer but each time his girlfriend would talk him out of it saying that I needed to bond with my mom and not always get my way (like that EVER happened).  The water in the pot began to boil when one day I came home from a basketball game with one of my girlfriends that her MOM was chaperoning and my mom was waiting at the door for me with a belt. And even tried, bless her heart, to whoop me. I went off. I never touched her,   but I went off. Called daddy and told him to come get me cause she is crazy. Mind you growing up in a house with a 400 lb man that could melt you with his voice alone,  a whooping was nothing to me.  I literally looked at her while she was so called whooping me and I only shed one tear. Not because it hurt but because my feelings were hurt. I wanted to spend the summer with her to bond and instead she wanted to be the mom that she never was. I was hurt because of that. So i went home and we didn’t speak for a LONNNNNGGGGG time.

At the age of 18 I’d become pregnant with my daughter and with much support from my family my mom and I began to bond again. At the age of 19 I was in an abusive relationship with Lexy’s father and I had basically cut off my family and the only person that I really got close to was mom and a couple of friends. I can honestly say ma was there for me at all times and giving me advice. We’d finally gotten past that ‘I’m your mother you will listen to me and do as I say and not as I do’ phase and she decided to become my friend. Don’t get me wrong every now and then she was laying down some laws but we’d found a place of peace.

At the age of 20 mom told be about her and this new boyfriend of hers and when i met him, instantly I hated him. I don’t know why to this day but I did. He was quiet,  he was very mild mannered and he loved him some Linda. I still hated him. He did everything in his power to show me that he was an alright guy but I still couldn’t dig him. Mom and I were really getting close now. Going clubbing together. Going to the ky derby to party together all that good stuff. Riding motorcycles together lol. Mom and boyfriend stayed married for about 6 months. Then she told me that she’d left him and he gets on her nerves and yadda yadda. My reaction was. " whatever I don;t like him anyway, lets go to the club and celebrate. At this time I’d gotten out of the abusive relationship and was as free as a bird. Maybe a little TOO free lol. So we celebrate. in the process of this year i run into Quincy Dawson. This man is just too good to be true. I call mom and tell her about this man I just met and he’s not like all these knuckleheads out here and yadda yadda. So she wants to meet this man. They meet,  she doesn’t like him at first but they later warm up to each other.

 A little after this meeting here I am pregnant again. Oh Lord! I don’t know what I’m going to do. I talk about abortion and Mom is like Oh no you most certainly will not!!!!! She loves this unborn baby more than she loves me I began to think LOL. I mean she is telling EVERYBODY about this new baby and how she’s gonna have two grandbabies and everything.

Quincy and I move into a house to rent around my 7th -8th month of pregnancy and in the process mom is calling me nonstop saying " well since you have this house and you can’t move in until the lease your in is up give me the key and let me move in for a couple of weeks. I need to get away from ex husband…. I’m like hunh? what’s this all about? I say okay ma come get the keys. we went through this for a couple of weeks. Then ma stopped calling. I was relieved but then I was worried. I get moved into the house and we’ve been there a couple of days and I get a call. It’s Quincy. " Nikki the police came to my house looking for you" Panic sets in! Hunh? why? Okay I know I forgot to pay that ticket but I can’t see a police officer coming out looking for me. Do I have warrants or something? (lol! It’s funny now but at the time I was panicking). Then I get a call from my daddy " nikki the police just came to my house looking for you." HUNH? What is the deal the police have  came 2 places looking for me? So

I ask, " what did they want?" Daddy says they won’t tell me. They said it’s about your mama. The first thought that went through my head was, " oh lord mama don’t killed ex-hubby and she on the run and the fbi is looking for her. "   So he says go call this number.

I call the police and they won’t tell me nothing. They say they wanna meet me at my house. I say okay. So two officers come to my house and I’m shaking with fear because I have NO idea what they are about to tell me. I’m thinking their gonna ask if I know her whereabouts and such because they are looking for her. The officer comes in and asks me how I’m doing and blah blah blah. I say fine. He pulls out this picture and askes if that is my mom and if that’s me I say yeah.  He says he is sorry to inform me that she has passed away. My reaction was WHAT?!?!? I’m confused no are you sure? He says they found her body in the ex husband’s apartment, apparently he strangled her to death. I’m still in a state of shock…. Where is *insert ex-husbands name*? did yall catch him? The officers says, "we found his body before we found your mom’s. He killed himself and wrote a letter to the police telling us where she was. this was a week after the killing that we found both bodies." At this point I was numb. I began to cry. I was pregnant and Lexy was standing in the hallway watching. The officers apologized for the whole ordeal and asked me if there was anyone that I’d like to call to come be with me during this time of loss. At the time the only ppl in that house was me and lexy. i said yeah they handed me a phone and I called my daddy. after I called my daddy I called Quincy and they came as soon as they could. So that is how my mom passed.

Now the testimony in all of this is that through it all I didn’t go crazy and I was able to build a relationship with my mom before she left this earth and even in my unanswered questions about our relationship and all the why’s,  God showed me some things about my mother. 

1. my mom was an orphan, she was born to a white woman that’d had an affair with a black man and she was the result. She she grew up in an orphanage in and out of foster homes,  molested, and hurt and abused. My mom met my dad at the age of 15 and they went out for 2 years and I was the result of that relationship.

2. At the tender age of 16 my mom didn’t know what it meant to be a mother, I mean heck it’s not like she’d ever had one. So my grandma took her in and actually became her foster mother so that I could be in her home with my mom AND my dad.  They didn’t work out and my mom didn’t know what to do or how to take care of me so she gave me over to my grandma. That in itself was a blessing beyond blessings because if it had not been for Mama (that’s what i called my grandma) I don’t know where I would be or what kind of personality I would;ve had or even my views on God and Life in general.

I later found out that Mom’s ex husband used to abuse her and she never told me. Then again, who in their right mind WOULD tell their child that they are in an abusive relationship. 

 In all of this I learned some serious life lessons and that God is able to keep and heal and deliver from all things. I went through some bouts of depression about 6 months after my mom had passed. At that time I was not saved and I could’ve done alot of things to  myself but  know from experience when I was under attack that calling on the name of Jesus really can deliver you. When I finally gave up fighting with religion and all that God stuff (knowing darn good and well that I was raised IN it with my grandma) and realized that there was nothing out in this world that was worth losing my mind or my soul I gave it all to Jesus and the healing process began and I now see my grandmothers spirit in me in alot of ways. I KNOW i had a praying grandmother. A prayer warrior. I once had a prophetess tell me that I saved my own life in warfare once. I know exactly the day and the time and the hour that she was speaking of when she said it. And I know that had I not been under some powerful men and women of God I would’ve never healed.

My biggest fear after my mom died was that she didn’t recieve Jesus Christ as her Lord and Saviour before she died and that she’d spent eternity seperated from God. Yall to be honest i lost a WHOLE lotta sleep about this. I was really disturbed and distraught about that. But God allowed my mother to come to me and tell me that she was okay and that she’d made it and that it was time for me to let her go. I was holding her spirit here with my worry. But she was ready to go and I had to be consoled within myself that she was with Jesus. God showed me that in her last hours she repented and gave her life to him. That right there overtook any feelings of depression,  and feelings of mourning,  and feelings of saddness. I was overjoyed and excited once God consoled me and told me that she was alright. That was all i cared about. Even in my back slidden state lol I knew what was right!

In all this God really showed me that it IS possible to build a relationship with your mother despite the odds. Cherish her! because you never know what their story is. All you made see is your side of the situation,  but I encourage you to be open to understand their side as well. What the Devil meant for bad and seperation God turned around for good and consolation. In a time when we spend trying to bring in cheer to the season I encourage you to tell your mothers and fathers that you love them. Even if you can’t stand them. Because they are special gifts that God has given to you. You can’t let your past overtake what could possibly be a future.

This is a season to be thankful,  not only for what you have and the people that you have but also because the savior of this world was born bringing great hope with him. Regardless of the actual day that Jesus was born and the paganistic rituals and traditions that have been mixed in with it realize that our savior was BORN and he was and IS here to heal all hurt,  brokenness, diseases, emotions,  and situations. You just have to trust him and recieve him.

Romans 8:38-39

 38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

   39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I say this to the devil in all situations:

Genesis 50:20 (Whole Chapter)
But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

HAHA! Take that DEVIL!

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