Starting over…

I haven’t written a public entry in a good long while, so I thought this would be an appropriate time to do so. Tomorrow will be 11 months since my life changed more drastically than it ever had before. Have y’all noticed that I tend to write the day BEFORE the anniversary of something or holiday, more than the day OF? I think that is indicative of how much worse the anticipation of certain dates are, than the reality of what they actually are.  I’m working on that. 

I have moved to the big city, and I’m finding it more of an adjustment than I thought it would be.  I think if my house were straight and unpacked, I would feel better, but right now, it feels overwhelming. I got my bedroom more or less (still a box or two that needs to be unpacked,) functionable, and the living room is pretty much finished with the exception of a few things that are still packed in boxes of mostly stuff that goes in other places. That was okay for a few days, but now it feels unworkable.  But everytime I think to tackle a part of it, I find myself feeling the need to do something else worse, or feeling so overwhelmed that I go sit back down.  And I do have some frustrations of things that need to be done, to make other things easier to do (I need an island for my kitchen and while they seem to come up about every day for sale on Craigs list, so far, none are workable for me, because I need storage for pots and pans from one) and some things I just need to find someone to hire to get them done. I did manage to work with moving things so that I could reach the washer and dryer, only to find that the washer was not working. I have a warranty, so the repair guy was called and parts are being ordered and for the moment, I can wash small loads only, and that is frustrating, since I had a weeks worth of laundry and both bedrooms of sheets and blankets and spreads or quilts that need washing, because they were slept on, and in the case of the spreads and quilts, used to wrap things in for the move. So, once again, something little like that, thwarted a day of plans to unpack. I think what I need is to get one of my college kids or friends of my kids to come up for a day to help me and to lift and toat, but also to motivate me to get it done.

As for living in the city…while I find vast opportunities to get out and do things, I can’t seem to make myself get out and do them!  I think that will change as the weather gets nicer….but it also is just a matter of steeling myself for the process of making new friends. I know how to do that, I know what to do, what works for me, but today would have been a perfect day to start, and I talked myself out of it. Despite the fact that most people see me as outgoing and friendly, that doesn’t actually come naturally to me. I have to work at it. And for now, it almost all feels "too hard".

So, as they say…it has been two steps forward and one step back. I’m on the step back at the moment. The good news is that I KNOW that I will make this work. It will take some time and some effort that I don’t seem to want to put forth at the moment, but eventually, I will do it and I will be okay.  I also think that selling the house in small town will be helpful.  I’m still having to make lots of decisions about what to do with various things. We pulled up the carpet in the very huge hallway, to find a BEAUTIFUL hardwood floor underneath. Then we pulled it up in one of the bedrooms and it had been painted and it looks like something else was done to it. I cannot even see exactly if the wood underneath all that is the same hardwood or not. I’ve got a professional coming tomorrow to look at it, so that means a trip back. Not to mention, somehow, all of my pots and pans got left (along with a gillion other things).

I guess the point is that I think it is progress to know that even though I’m at a low point, I KNOW it will get better. And I’m not just SAYING that to try and make myself believe it, I truly KNOW it.  So…11 months and I’m well on my way to changing the plan and reinventing the life that will never happen. Still have anger at times…especially like NOW! But, I know that too will settle down. 

I think he would have liked this house.  He taught me to see so many things through his eyes. I see the wood in the floors, what a beautiful grain it is…before I met him, I liked shiny and new…now I appreciate the beauty of something old and with history. (I’ve taken my "shiny and new" and applied it to tech gadgets now!!) I love how the windows are laid out to allow for and encourage cross ventilation, which makes them stay open during the day. Now I do know that we would have fought over darkening curtains in the bedroom…he would have wanted them, I don’t like them, they make the room too dark. I also thought the other day when I forgot to close the blinds in the living room when I went to bed, that he would have closed them the minute he walked in the door. We were different in that way.  And it is MY house, so windows light and blinds open for as long as the sun is out!!! He would have hated my new dog (as do both of my children LOL) but he would have loved the big yard and the big garage for putzing around in. I like the yard because it has a garden space that I hope my son will plant, but if not, I will at least have tomatoes…and it is straight and will be easy to cut. (I will hire someone to do that, but the easier it is, the cheaper it will be)

So, there you are. One more step in a new life. While I still miss him every day, (sometimes many times a day) it is no longer paralyzing. I see a future. Even though it is still a glimmer.