post suicide- 7 months…

I realized recently that I haven’t written a public entry in awhile. And since I really do want to try and help some people realize that there IS life after a loved one commits suicide, I figured it was about time.

It has been a little more than 7 months since my husband of almost 35 years took his own life. If this is a new story to you, go back and read. You will see just how much of a mess I was, and often still am. BUT, I can tell you…I feel like I’ve turned some kind of corner. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have many days and for me, especially nights of great sadness. I do. But, I have more days, at least, of joy. Things I thought I could never really enjoy again, I do. I laugh with friends, I laugh at TV shows, I laugh at my kids, I laugh at football. Just today, I have laughed at a comment made by someone on another post. I laughed at my dogs, and I laughed at myself. That is just today!! There IS life after tragedy.

I also want to mention that over the weekend, I spent some time reading entries that were a few years old, by a woman who’s husband died of cancer. (Hi Linette, I haven’t posted a note on your diary, but I will). It has been awhile for her, and she has managed to forge a new and very happy life for herself, and that brings ME hope that in time, whenever it is right for ME, I will too forge a new and happy life for myself. I have begun that already. While I often miss my husband terribly, I am at least able to look at some things differently. Reading Linette’s diary made me think that maybe, just maybe, as much as I was shocked and betrayed by my husbands actions, his sudden death may have been easier than continuing to watch him die in increments, because that is what was happening, despite the fact that I could not, at the time, admit that to myself or anyone else.

I’ve also come to accept that this was HIS choice and that I really didn’t play much of a role in it. Someone recently mentioned to me that rather than thinking of how he died, maybe I could consider how much longer he lived, than he would have without me. I had to think about that, but you know, I can almost think that there is a bit of truth about that. Without me, it is possible that this would have happened sooner, and if it had, as bad as it has been for both me and my children and his family, sooner would have been worse. His kids would have been younger, I might not have had at least the financial security that I DO have (little that it is). Dealing with his family would have been more dramatic…(I don’t EVEN want to go into that). So, I can actually consider that it could have been worse. Even 3 months ago, I don’t think anyone could have convinced me that ANYTHING could have been worse. I’m a little more open now.

I have begun to think of things in terms of "Me" and not "We". Not always, I often still say "we", but in the big things, I am beginning to change that. I’m working on thinking more independently, rather than thinking as a team. That is a HUGE difference for me. I have NEVER thought like that. I was very young when I married, so the team mentality seems to have ALWAYS been a part of me.

So, all of these things point toward some healing that has taken place. Time and effort really do help heal. But it is work. And nothing is easy about it.

Now, having said all that, here are other things. I still cry at the drop of a hat, often for no reason. Most of my nights still suck. I don’t sleep until late, and when I do, I often don’t sleep well. I’m still on anti-depressants and I don’t see a time soon that I will be off of them. There is still not a day that goes by that I don’t have at least a moment of INTENSE sadness. The good news is that they are moments or hours, not days and weeks. There are also times that I have moments of INTENSE anger. See above. Usually they come when I am having to handle something that I have never done before without at least consulting him. I really, really, really, really (add LINES of this) miss having someone in my life that I trust completely. He was occasionally wrong (more in recent years) but I ALWAYS knew that he was giving me his BEST advice about whatever it was. And he was incredibly smart. Oh my goodness, the man was smart and knowledgeable about SO many things. Did I mention I cry a lot???

So, now you are sort of caught up on the journey. It is not an easy one. It is certainly not one I would have chosen, but I’m beginning to think that it may be survivable. I’ve appreciated all the times that people have said that I am strong, or brave, or whatever. You need to know, I don’t feel that way. I often feel scared, and helpless and afraid…Oh let me tell you, afraid tops them all for most often how I feel. You see, I didn’t get a choice in this. So, save your praise for those who have a choice. I’m just surviving here, the best way I know how.

And that is all I have to do.