What I’ve learned

Today marks 6 months since my husband of almost 35 years took his own life.  Here are a few things that I have learned:

Grief has no timetable, no right or wrong way, no rhyme or reason.  It just is.

Loss is not Loss.

While I have a few things in common with my friends who have lost husbands after both long and short illnesses, I have more in common with my friend who is going through a terrible divorce.  Actually, I should not say that. All I can say is what they are TALKING about.  I don’t hear them talking about feelings of Anger, Betrayal, or Abandonment. Or at least not their primary feelings. Maybe they have them, but for whatever reason, don’t feel like they can name them. Maybe it is more acceptable to name these feelings in a divorce.  All I can say is that for the first 4-5 months, these were my primary feelings.  I had others…but it seemed to always come back to those.  I have seen in the past month those feelings change a bit. 

Suicide is an event, not a lifestyle.

Yes, a horrible thing happened to me (as well as other family and friends) and yes, it is taking me time to find how to deal with both the practical and emotional, but I cannot let this define my entire life, or become a perpetual victim.

Despite what I would have believed in the days following his death…Time really does help.

Does it make the pain lessen? No, nor does it make anything "okay", but it does provide prepective and distance. While the pain is always with me, I have learned to wear it a a bit better. I don’t feel as "out of control" as I did. Don’t ask me to explain any more of it, just accept that time does help.

It is possible to have joy, even in the midst of sorrow.

I have found great joy in both big and small things recently, and it feels good and I find myself wishing that Bruce was around to enjoy these things with me, and sad that he isn’t, this does not lessen MY joy.

That I have no idea how people without faith in something or someone greater than themselves get through something like this. 

There have been times when I was so angry at myself, Bruce and God that I thought I would scream, but without the faith that I would someday see Bruce again, I don’t think I could have made it this far.

Despite everything, you know that line in "Ghost" where Patrick Swayze says something to the effect "that is true, love survives…it is the only thing that survives" I believe that. I HAVE to believe that.  When all is said and done, Love is what I have left…and it is what I need.

In closing, this is what I know. That like some physical illnesses that are fatal, sometimes mental illness is as well, and the hopelessness and depression that caused my husband to do what he did, was a mental illness and it was fatal. There is nothing that I could have done, should have done, or would not have done for him, that could have prevented his death. And on a good day, I can believe that.

I believe that love is all I have.