home again…WARNING-LONG/ W EDIT

Well, I enjoyed my weekend in Dallas, with a couple of exceptions, but all in all, it went swimmingly. One of the exceptions was the trip down. First of all, just as I was leaving, one of my cats got out and since the last trip I took, one of my cats disappeared, I wasn’t willing to leave this one outside, and I had to hunt for her, which is unusual. She usually comes when I call her. but of course this time, she didn’t. I found her curled up asleep on the side of the house that I never go to. Darn cat…then I started out and realized that I only had one disc left on my book on cd that I listen to in the car. So, I stopped at the used bookstore to grab another one. One thing I have found is that I really can’t listen to the radio when I’m driving. Doesn’t seem to matter what station or genre I listen to, certain songs will set me off on a crying jag, and while that is acceptable at home, it is NOT acceptable when one is driving down the road in the middle of traffic! So, books on CD are a neccesity! Anyway, all of this made me a good bit later leaving than I planned and then I hit crazy construction on Hwy 75, which all in all led me to arriving in Dallas at around 5:00 p.m. Now I remember why I do not want to live in a big city!! I was pulling out my hair by the time I got there. But, soon, all was well. My friend got her family off to a church babysitting gig, and she and I headed out to dinner. We went to Razzoo’s, which is, I think, I local chain, that serves Cajun food…which is sort of a joke, but it is not that bad, and they do have pretty decent shrimp. We had a good time, and that was what was important. Saturday was laid back and enjoyable. We talked a lot, about her situation and mine, and it was cathartic. Sunday we went to church, which I always enjoy visiting her church and I know some people there, but it was not enough to constitute a "pity fest" so it was fine. One man from her church though, did bother me. His wife was one of my friends good friends, and she passed away from cancer about a year ago. After talking to him for a good long while after church, and while I KNOW that everyone grieves differently, I feel very strongly that he is seriously depressed and that concerns me. He still has 3 of his 4 children at home and can find no joy at ALL in their lives or activities and it left me very concerned for him. I passed on my concern to my friend, who told me that his men friends are also concerned but don’t know how to approach it. I ended up spending some time with one of his better friends (actually, his Brother in law) that afternoon, and we strategized some ways to get him some help. Hopefully, they will take some action. Those kids need a functioning Dad in their lives after the loss of their mother.

Sunday afternoon was another one of the somewhat unpleasant times. I had said when I left that I would come home Sunday or Monday…and that was dependent on whether my friends sister in law came to spend time with her mother that day. I don’t exactly dislike this woman, but I find her irritating in her treatment of my friend and tiring in general. I discovered when I got there, that the plan was for her father in law to take her mother in law (who she cares for and who suffers from dementia) to see the daughter at HER home on Sunday, so when I was asked, I volunteered that I would stay until Monday, of which they were glad to have me. Then, circumstances with the mother in law on Saturday, made it difficult for them to go on Sunday, so I was stuck with the SIL coming over on Sunday to see her mother. It was not awful, but it had moments that made me crazy.

(As an aside…my friend is and has been for several years, caring for her elderly and disabled inlaws. Due to many circumstances, one of which is the this daughters inability to deal with even the simplest things about her mothers care…like an unexpected round of diarrhea…my friend feels like even though she is in the midst of a divorce and her husband has moved out of the house, she cannot abandon these wonderful people who have been so wonderful to her over the many years of her marriage. I don’t resent her willingness nor do I dispute the need that she has to care for these people and they ARE wonderful and very grateful for her willingness to do so, but I DO resent the daughters attitude toward her!)

Anyway, she left fairly early on Sunday evening, and we had another wonderful round of talking, laughing and actual giggling over the fact that she has someone that she is kinda/sorta interested in and her older kids are sitting on ready for her divorce to be final so they can start campaigning for this person to "date their mom". Now, don’t get me wrong…she has no idea if he is interested, or if she really is or not, so it was really just a fun thing to speculate and giggle over like teenage girls!!

I left Monday morning, albeit not as early as I would have hoped, and made my usual rounds coming home. I stopped at Whole Foods in Plano for several things that are unavailable to me here in my small OK town, a stop at World Market for cheap, but good wine (which I have available to me, but at a much higher price) at Jason’s Deli for lunch at their wonderful salad bar, then at Sam’s in Sherman for all those cleaning supplies and trash bags and stuff like that. I also picked up bags of lemons and limes. I seem to be on a kick of adding both to my water, and since that is all I’m drinking at home, I go through a lot and they sure are cheap there compared to my local grocery store! I also made a stop at an Amish Country store that sells jams and jellies. Friday is my Father in Law’s 90th birthday and he likes many of the old time jams and jellies that they sell, and what the hell else do you get someone who is 90???? They also sell homemade butter that is really, really good, so I picked up some of that for myself. Needless to say, when I walked in the door at around 5:00 p.m, I was completely exhausted. I had picked up a rotisserie chicken at Sam’s and some of their tiny green beans that I love and I had some of those little potatoes that steam in the bag, so I roasted the green beans (my newest favorite way of cooking veggies) steamed the potatoes and sliced them and tossed them with some of my homemade butter, salt, pepper and fresh dill and feasted on that with very little effort on my part!

Yesterday, I started on the onerous chore of applying for Soc. Sec. disability. I have an appt. with the local office on Thursday, but the more of the application I complete online, the shorter the appt. will be. This makes me crazy. It triggers all of my anger at my husband. I’ve been pretty much completely disabled since aroun

d 2005-6, but since I had not worked outside the home in so many years, I have not paid in enough quarters to qualify on my own. Plus, our family income would have kept me from drawing anything, even if I had qualified. But, now, with my husbands death, assuming I qualify (which I am assured that eventually I will, although it may take a couple of years and a good lawyer or I may get it on the first try…its a crap shoot) I can draw based on my husbands Soc. Sec. which in the end, would have been far more than my own. But, it none the less triggers anger in me that I HAVE to do this to assure some kind on ongoing income. One thing that I am aware of, is that leaving me and our children with "messes" of any kind, was actually pretty antithetical to the man my husband was during most of our 34 years of marriage. So, this is one more evidence to me of how self-absorbed and depressed and ill he had become over the past few years…and in its own way, makes it easier for me to forgive him. Had he had cancer, or some other type of debilitating illness that had caused these same types of symptoms, as I have seen in others over my lifetime, I would be very quick to forgive. I need to remember that this particular illness, even though it was mental and emotional, is equally as deserving of my forgiveness…eventually. Just maybe not quite yet…or not quite completely…yet.

And in closing…let me just tell you of the heart attack I almost just had. While I was writing this long, and probably somewhat boring entry, the plumber showed up. Nice kid, took care of a lot of things that were probably not in his job description, like going and buying me the correct types of filters for my A/C units both upstairs and down, fixing a toilet that was leaking and not on the work order and charging me less than I paid last year just to have my upstairs unit charged. (Hey, playing that "recent widow" card has SOME perks) But anyway, while we were chatting about what needed to be done, I suddenly heard my computer make that noise that it makes when it is shutting down and I had NOT saved this entry! So, I was quite surprised to find that it had auto saved and it was still here…so I hope y’all enjoy it, because I can darn well tell you, you wouldn’t have gotten it re-written!!! At least not any time soon!!

Back to the working on the SS claim….*sigh*…

*****EDIT*****

Okay, you guys are giving me WAY too much credit. Number one, please remember that I really have no choice in this. My husband SHOT himself. I am a widow…what choice do I have, or would any reasonable person have, but to get up every day and do the next thing. I live with guilt over not seeing the signs sooner, not taking action of the signs I did see and didn’t want to look at, and facing the fact that in some ways, his death, while I wouldn’t have chosen it, is a relief. So, I get up every morning and I just do whatever is the next thing. And when I can’t do that any more, I run. I have a feeling that I will continue to run quite often to places where I don’t have to think about all of that. It hurts, and even though I face the hurt, it doesn’t go away. I admit I live in fear of ending up like my friends husband and never being happy again…so I just do the next thing. I truly think I’m not that unusual, I think what MIGHT be unusual is that I’m writing about it…very few do. I promise you, I am no martyr and I’m not even very good at this, in my book. I don’t know if I’m grieving well, or whether I’m just still in some kind of denial…except that I can’t deny the fact that I’m alone. 

Now, lets deal with the counselling thing. This is what I do. It is what I have always done, and have some training, albeit not a degree. It is the one area that I think I’m fairly talented in, but it is also a way to avoid my OWN problems by focusing on others problems.  But, I am going to say one more thing about this and then I’ll quit.

Whatever good that I do, I don’t do myself. I believe in and have faith in a loving God, and the redemptive power of His son, Jesus Christ. I have been blessed to see in my own life, his faithfulness to me time and time again in my life. I don’t believe that God ordained my husband’s death, or his choice to take his own life. I believe that God hates evil, but that evil exists in the world. It exists in the form of physical illness, mental illness and sometimes just evil people. I don’t pretend to understand exactly how it all works…I’ll leave that to the theologians. I have some ideas, but that is a whole other post. I also don’t pretend that I’m sure I’m right about everything, and I respect that others have their own ideas, but I know what I believe. I have a guidebook that tells me how I’m supposed to live and was lucky enough to spend 8 years in a church that grounded me in the idea that calling oneself a Christian meant not just going to church on Sunday, but meant actually trying to live out the teachings of Jesus in the flesh. And that He left me a concious spirit (I choose to call it the Holy Spirit, but others call it other things) that literally intercedes when I am so screwed up that I can’t. This means I don’t get a pass on following what He called his greatest commandment, and that was to Love my God with all my heart, my soul, and my mind, and to love my neighbor as I love myself. And  He went on to expound in that story that my neighbor was essentially all that crossed my path. So, if I manage to do something good? Well, it is Him, not me, and when I screw up, I thank Him for his forgiveness and try to learn something from it. And let me tell you I screw up FAR more than I do good and He just keeps forgiving me. How can I eventually do less? But I sometimes don’t even do that well.

So, you’ve all had your sermon for today…Go in peace and just make a frigging effort. That is all I’m required to do.