6/13/2013

I think my latest round of night shifts has just about finished me off. Four weeks of nights, I’ve been averaging four nights a week. Thankfully this is my last week, when i go home in three and a half hours time, I can do so safe in the knowledge that I’m off until Sunday night, and I just need to get through that one and my nights are done for another three to four months!

My mum is a week post op. I think that hasn’t helped, I’ve been so conscious of the fact that she’s in a splint and my sister has been working, that I’ve been averaging four hours sleep, if I’m lucky, then getting up to make sure she’s ok and fed and watered. She’s been told by physio to do the bare minimum. Unfortunately her bare minimum is different to everyone else’s bare minimum and I’ve woken the last couple of days to hear her crutches tap tapping about. There have been crossed words, she needs to learn to do as she’s told for all our peace of mind!

My dad was home last weekend and my mum had said to me: you’ll be able to have a break from running round after me. Bearing in mind I worked Friday night so slept on Saturday, then met John on Saturday afternoon, I had still managed to hang out a load of washing, put a second load in, brush the floors, Hoover the rug, feed the dogs, and get myself ready within an hour of getting up! My dad had been to pick up an exercise bike for my mums physio, which is essential but of no use currently as she’s not that far post surgery, and been to the shops for lunch. He came back with a roast chicken. Just a chicken. No bread/butter/accompaniments!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge it for one minute, I love my mother to bits and I know how frustrated she is that she can’t actually do these things for herself. It just frustrates the hell out of me that my dad is a grown man but seems to make managing the smallest task as infinitely difficult as possible. I must admit it was a relief when he went back to Germany. My mum, bec and I are managing between us quite easily, whoever is around does what needs doing. My dad is around all weekend yet somehow all he manages to do is make a mess!

As for John, I think I might have finally found a genuinely nice guy. After our date on Saturday afternoon that turned into evening, he text me on Sunday to say he was heading to the beach by mine with the dog and did I want to join him, so I did. We had a lovely stroll round the lake and back again, and sat on the beach watching the sunset while the dogs played and ate the remnants of everyone’s picnics!

It’s a strange one, you know how you don’t realise something is missing til you find it, or vice versa? John is very open. And non judgemental. I find myself telling him things without realising, which is no bad thing. I’m notorious for being a coper, managing alone, spilling my guts here but not having anyone to share with in real life. I think talking to him, it feels like talking to one of my best friends, nothing is off limits. He said he doesn’t understand how anyone could have let me go. I said maybe when he knows me better he’ll see what they’ve all seen!

It’s nice, this dating lark. It’s not happening too quickly, I haven’t seen him since Sunday, and haven’t decided if I’m seeing him tonight or tomorrow. We’re both pretty available at the moment but a bit of anticipation is a good thing. It’s fun, and lighthearted, yet I’ve found myself telling him things I haven’t told anyone, about how I felt when my mum was ill, the things it made me realise. In turn he’s told me about his dad dying when he was a toddler, how that’s been.

It’s funny, all this time I’ve wanted to meet a nice guy. And now I have, don’t get me wrong, I really like the guy, and am really enjoying getting to know him. It just seems like there’s more at stake in a way. I know if I hurt him, it’ll genuinely hurt him, he’s not a player who’s already lining up the next girl just in case. He’s a romantic, a gentleman, and may I say just a little bit naughty judging by some of the gentle sexting that’s been going on! Obviously I have no intention of hurting him. It’s crazy of me to even think like that, I’m a nice girl and would never intentionally hurt anyone. I suppose I’m just so used to dating guys who are a bit closed off and always more ready to jump out than jump in that it’s strange when someone turns round and says I like you and want to spend time with you.

I’m not knocking it at all. But you know when you psych yourself out a bit?! I guess when you’ve dated as many guys as I have and they’ve all found an excuse to back track out of being with me, I’m just finding it a little difficult to believe that the same thing isn’t going to happen again. Plus I’m tired beyond all belief from these nights and my brain isn’t working as it should. I’m trying to just go with the flow, enjoy spending time with him, and hope to god I don’t bugger it up by being crazy!

Xx