Lots of things

I apologise if this is a long entry, there are things I need to write about, I don’t know how long it’ll take and I need to do it now, on my break at work, while my mind is still able! I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 48 hours so forgive me if this makes no sense at all!

1) I have a date tomorrow. I caved and rejoined the dating site. If only for a distraction. Inevitably, a few days after I rejoined, dan realised I was on there and proceeded to text me to ‘see how it’s going’. I didn’t reply to his message, it just feels like opening a can of worms I don’t want to open. I know the only response to practically any comment he would have made about me being back on the site would have been to comment about him being on the site while we were still together. So I did the whole if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything thing. So yes, my date. A boy from the site, a coffee in the afternoon. Well, a tea cos I don’t drink coffee. God help him really, I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge when I’m on nights and am likely to be half asleep.

2) Jenna is having a baby boy. She’s due October 19th. She wanted a boy so she could turn round and throw it in pete’s face that he’s been bringing up someone else’s son when his own is sat right there. Which makes me sad, that the child which is not even born yet is being used as a pawn in it’s parents ongoing argument. Pete is living with another woman. Who alleges to also be pregnant, albeit early stages. Jenna said she can’t believe he’s got her pregnant, then someone else pregnant at the same time, for a second time. I can’t believe she’s shocked.

3) my paedophile patient. I pride myself on being good at my job. I enjoy building a rapport with my patients, getting to know them, having a little joke with them etc. But this man, this man makes my skin crawl. I am being professional, I’m providing his care. He’s dying, but I can’t separate who he is, what he’s done, from the circumstances surrounding him. I can’t bring myself to feel any compassion for this man at all. Nobody prepares you for this when you’re training. Nobody tells you that it won’t just be cancer patients and little old folk that you’re looking after. That criminals need medical care too. It’s something I’m struggling with, that I can actually feel such a lack of compassion for another human being. It goes against every instinct I have as a nurse and as a generally nice person. But this is a vile man, who’s repeatedly done vile things to numerous people over many years, and repeatedly offended throughout his adult life. He’s served more than one prison sentence without remorse or rehabilitation, and offended again each time. I suppose I’m shocked at the strength of my feelings about it. We’re taught to treat without judgement and apply the same approach to all patients, but I defy anyone to look at this man, knowing what he’s done, and feel anything but disgust.

Xx