contemplation

 dan said the other night that he would like it if i was more assertive.  and initiated things….. sexually…. more.

i think i’ve just lost my mojo.  when tim and i broke up, i was almost twenty two. we’d lived together for three years, i always assumed we’d be together forever.  i was devastated, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost a shed load of weight, cried every time i saw my friends.  for months.  then, inevitably, i moved on.

to chris, who eventually cheated on me with a lesbian, who was married to her wife at the time.  they’re now married and expecting baby number two.

then andy, who decided after six months of pretending to love me, that he’d actually never stopped loving his ex.

then dan, who never really seemed to want to sleep with me much at all, despite my initiating things ALL the time.

so you can forgive me for losing my confidence when it comes to boys and dating and being a sex kitten.  all these past experiences have knocked me sideways.  i remember a time when i used to believe i was sexy, and desirable, and was adventurous in bed, and out of it! i wasn’t afraid to ask for what i wanted.  the sex with chris was always exciting and inventive.  then he ditched me for the lezzer and i suppose it affected me more than i ever realised.

i remember just being so mad at him for cheating. and so mad that it had happened under my nose.  nobody’s threatened when their boyfriend is going for a drink with their lesbian friend.  well, i should have been more on my guard, but i don’t want to live my life as a suspicious, jealous, controlling woman.

i don’t suppose i ever stopped to think that the actual act of him cheating on me when actually everything had been reasonably good had had any impact other than making me mad. but when a boy is telling you you’re the best sex he’s ever had, and it’s definitely the best sex you’d had up to that point, but he’s then looking for sex with a lesbian, it makes you think doesn’t it.  

i don’t want someone who wasn’t good enough for me in the past to have any bearing on my relationship with dan.  i don’t want him to feel like he’s always initiating things, like he’s forcing me into something i don’t want to be doing.  i’ve told him of course if i didn’t want to be doing it i wouldn’t be.  i don’t want to tell him why i’m so adamant about that, i don’t want to tell him about the friend’s brother and the sexual assault, i don’t want yet another hangover from the past encroaching into my future.  i know if i did tell him, he’d understand why i’d never do anything i didn’t want to be doing, i also know from experience that it would take him months to initiate sex again, and that every time i did he’d ask me if i was ok, and if i was sure, as if i would ever be uncertain about it.  i know i’m serious about dan, and he is about me, and i don’t want to keep secrets from him, but i just don’t think this is something i want to tell him because guys always treat me differently after they know.

who knows, maybe a time will come up when it seems like the right time. and maybe it won’t and i can finally let sleeping dogs lie.

now to deal with all the boys from the more recent past who’ve screwed me up in one way or another! i need to straighten myself out. i’ve been in a relationship where i initiated things all the time and i know how i felt about that, he’s right, i do need to be more assertive.  it’s true to say i have sat there with my brain willing me to make a move and my body just won’t cooperate for fear of rejection.  and i know that’s ridiculous because dan actually thinks i’m sexy, dan actually wants me ALL the time! dan texts me from work to tell me he’s in a compromising position just from thinking about me! 

i need to just do it. i don’t know why i’m scared of making the move, the boy would never laugh, the boy would be delighted. i’m a wuss.

xx