Overwhelmed *

I don’t know why but I feel like crying. Have done all day.

Things are good. Things with dan are amazing. That boy makes me laugh out loud happy, and I have so much love for him I can’t contain it.

My mum is having maintenance treatment, she finishes in July/August time, by which point she’ll have had two years of maintenance. She has 10 weeks of methotrexate, then two weeks of ATRA. The ATRA makes her feel sick, and tired, and gives her really bad headaches. And it worries me sick. Two cycles ago, she was in Dubai, and ended up in hospital with dehydration because she had been so sick with the tablets. I don’t remember the last cycle, but she must have been here for it.

She spent all day Friday in bed, I was working, my sister was out, nobody knew she was ill. She just struggled through on her own, didn’t even text. I know it’s unreasonable, the amount I worry, because she’s fine, but the tablets are still chemotherapy, and the tablets still make her so ill. And I know the worst that would happen is that she would end up in hospital to be rehydrated but still. We’ve come so far, it completely freaks me out that something could happen now.

I wonder if it’ll ever go away, the worry. I remember when my family were worrying about chemo and her being ill through that, I remember saying that the worry only began when she was sent home from hospital and we were on our own so to speak. I remember saying ‘every time she sneezes you’ll be waiting for her to get an infection.’ The woman is three months away from having been in remission for two years. That’s an amazing achievement. And to be fair, none of us can believe how quickly the time has gone.

I suppose a wobble every now and again is normal.

Xx