Oh No!

*I hope I answer all notes in this entry. I know I’m going to suck at noting back, so please let me know if I left anything out*

I totally did NOT mean to turn anyone off of having children. Trust, I plan on having one more myself without any fear. Don’t get me wrong, me being pregnant any time soon will kill me so I don’t plan on having a kid tomorrow, but definitely in the next 3 years or so. Everyone’s birth story is different and what I hope you learned from mine is to follow your instincts, and speak up when something just doesn’t feel right.

Thank you for all of the concern. I feel pretty good although somedays I feel my blood pressure rising so I take the pills they gave me. Bean is doing fine. Her heart murmur is gone and now we’re on to projectile vomiting and baby acne, yay! Not. Seriously though her vomiting has gotten out of hand. She doesn’t seem to be in discomfort when throwing up though. In fact she smiles and coos *blink* *blink*. I keep trying to explain to her that it’s not funny, but she’s not hearing me.

Soooo, I have a baby blog. I say this because I probably won’t be writing all of my concerns about Johanna here since I have the baby blog. This space will still be mostly about moi. If you ever want to read the blog the website is http://jmjsmom.blogspot.com.

Anywho, ever since January’s events I’ve felt different. When my mom passed I realizsed that so much of my identity was wrapped up in her that I felt kind of…lost…Like, who am I when I’m not the daughter that wants to make her mom laugh, make her mom proud, or scream "look mom, no hands!"? I have not one clue. That is scary, yet I feel liberated. Now is the time for me to discover who i truly am and I intend to have fun doing so. The first step in this has been getting out more. Every weekend or week I try to get out at least once. Either to a party I was invited to, or just to have brunch with myself.. So far so very good. It also helps me to not go into a funk dealing with my grief. I’m fine most of the time but I’m no fool. I realize there’s a thin line btwn sanity and depression. So, for this week I’m going to see Les Nubians (sp?) on Thursday possibly with a friend (if she gets her ticket tomorrow), then Saturday Johanna has a play date and then it’s off to my brothers (my mom raised him since he was 14) house because my niece text me this past saturday to ask me if I would come over. Sunday i think I’m just resting and getting ready for my final week at home with Johanna :~( I’m sad. I don’t want her to go to daycare. I want to watch her full-time and find a way to get paid for it lmao! We are STILL trying to settle on daycare for her, and I’m switching pediatricians, but that’s another story for another day.

I’m off to pay more bills (yay!) and finish watching my nighttime shows. I know way too much about what comes on tv and when because of this little girl smh.

God Speed,
Reina