Let’s Get Real in 2009
Quote of the day:
""Time is life. It is irreversible and irreplaceable. To waste your time is to waste your life, but to master your time is to master your life and make the most of it.""
~Alan Lakein
It’s times like this that I wonder why I’m engaged. What’s the point?It’ also ties like this when I wonder if I’m ever gonna get my emotions in check. Let me explain.
Yesterday we had a crazy windstorm here. Gusts of up to 55mph. It was crazy! It was because of this wind that Jonathan said he wasn’t going to church. I whole-heartedly believe this was a lie. For the past two days I’d been holding my breath waiting for Jonathan to tell me he wasn’t going. We’ve never spent NYE together. NEVER. And for the last year or so it’s been like Joathan is allergic to churc. One, I’m tired of being alone on NYE, and two, do I really want to marry someone that’s allergic to church? No, I don’t. I really really don’t. And today, I want out.
*sidenote* I’ve been praying to God to help me control my emotions. When Jonathan does things (or doesn’t do it in this case) my emotions explode and all I can see is my hurt. I want to throw in the towel 100% on this relationship. *end sidenote*
So anyway, I feel like I can do everything I’m doing by myself because, hey look! i am! I’m pissed, I’m angry, I’m hurt, and because Im working on my emotions, I’m calling the devil out! I’m not going to stuff these feelings inside and react rudely. I’m going to shout and scream all while praying and thanking God for bringing my emotions in check. And I’m going to write about it. You know, I was reading my faves OD, Amal, and man! I soooooo admire how open and real Amal is in her entries. I want to be like that. What most of you have gotten over the last 2 years from me is an on the surface look of who I am. I want to get down to the nitty gritty.
Last night after service ended, I text Jonathan and said:
Hey, happy new year. won’t be up for talking to you for a minute. I don’t feel like a priority. I told you this was all I always wanted, and evn to the wind died downeven in ur neck of the woods, you denied me. I don’t feel love. Whoever you spent tonight with, even if it wasjust urself, that’s the person you’re inlove with, not me. Anywho, love you. Have a fruitful rest-of-the-week!"
Yeah, so overlydramatic texts are not unusual between Jonathan and I. He responded an hour or two later with this:
Well no argument there and withu thinking someone else that is entirely on u at this point that u feel this way there is no need what soever to think long term. I am tired of trying to prove my love to u. U fee the way u do and nothin is going to change that have a good one and a good yer. U r right we may not speak for like a long time. Good bye Reina.
And my response:
Very mature. Jonathan still can’t admit he was wrong and hurtful. That’s fine. you’re amazing. The same man that types I loe my baby ishurtful the verynext day an can’t apologize. Goodbye Jonathan.
Now, close your mouths and stop cluching your pearls. We have an argument like that atleast once a month, and we’re all stuck in our emotions. This is like that clip MTV shows once the Real World <insert city here> is over – The sh*t They Should’ve Shown lol. This is the stuff you don’t get to see because sometimes I think avoidance is key. Boo to that in 2009! No saving face or being afraid of what this fave, or that fave will think. Although, I must say, it was the Mama G episode that scarred me. So many of you clutched your pearls, and judged, and I was taken aback,didn’t really want to write anymore. She poured into me emotionally and it was a friendship I needed at the time. The trouble came when I no longer needed it. It was awkward and emotional.
Speaking of Mama G, I dreamt about her last night. Whenever I dream about her, which isn’t often, it means I’m not being poured into emotionally, le sigh. As if I didn’t already know that my dreams chose to confirm it.
On the flip side, earlier this week I dreamt my Pastor told me she was going to go before God on my behalf for me to find a job, but when she was about to do so, God told her no need, my job was right around the corner. Umm, yeah, so I’mma go ahead and take that and run.
Today I’m just here trying to learn WordPress. I have a makeup blog there. I only have one entry up so far, with my first video tutorial.It’s a mess! lol. But OMG it was so fun to do it. I gotta get my time down though. Until i can, I think I’mma do photo step-by-step tutorials. I’m also going to start a weightloss blog on here or on WordPress, we’ll see. Right now I have pics to upload of myself from last night, I have a vision board for 2009, do laundry, find some food or someone to take me to the grocery store (I’m doing SB and have no SB friendly food except eggs lol). I also hve a new eye makeup look I want to try.
Later gators! I’ll slowly but surely read you all today 😉
God Speed,
Future Mrs. Johnson
My makeup blog: http://www.eyeforbeautyproductions.com/blog
Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/HiddenGem
