‘Don’t Stop/ Thinking About Tomorrow/ Don’t Stop’

First appointment was Monday.

He is a counsellor who specializes in drug abuse. Not my bag. During intake he says he thinks I should get a psych eval.<But. I don’t want a psych eval. I want to talk to a psychologist…> I don’t know if I can see a therapist who claims to never have heard the word ‘heteronormative’.

But no one else will see me. I literally am incapable of getting an appointment anywhere else.

So I have a psych eval. on the seventeenth. And anxiety. And this has laid me open and raw more than anything in the last many months.

Can’t I just kill myself? I keep telling them that a big part of the reason I’m here is because I promised my partner that I would at least try to not kill myself. And yes, I’ve blacked out drunk one single time in my life <which I thought was a pretty good minimization of blacking out> and why are you nodding like that means I’m drunk all the time? And yes, I felt like I was having a seizure when I took mushrooms once, but why is the fact that I took mushrooms more in focus than that I stopped because of that? Years ago. And yes, I have a history of eating disordered behavior; why doesn’t it matter that I don’t pay much attention in the last year or so because I’m kind of liberated by the fact that I’m just not thin enough anymore?

Today, during the first portion of the psych times, the nurse asked me why I wanted drugs? Pretty much in those words.

;I…Don’t. The guy I saw on Monday…[redacted], he said he thought I should have a psych eval. So I made the appointment. I don’t know if I want to take more drugs. Or if it’s the best way to approach what’s going on in my brain.;

She was not impressed and generally thought I didn’t much belong there.

Tonight I am alone with Henry Three-Legs and very much needing to decompress. But Mister is at his manfriend’s house and tonight I am alone.