Oh You’ll Never Know/ How Much I Love You So’

Hi. Can I just start off by saying that I’m super glad that I’ve left this dormant for like six months and no one read it even before I did that?

Because I’ve really got to say something out loud, so to speak. And I don’t want no fucking discussion or flak about it.

When Henry dies I’m going to fucking off myself.

Now here me out, Silence. Because I can’t say this to Mister. And Henry doesn’t give a fuck as long as I’m here for the rest of his three legged years and I can say whatever the fuck I want to him and he doesn’t understand, just loves me. And I can’t do it before I’ve lived out my promise to him to be here and do the goddamnfuckingbest I can for him until he’s done. I seriously owe him that.

I’m going to fucking kill myself in a few  years. It’s about time. Really.

Here’s a partial list of whys:

This shit is old.

I’m never going to have enough money

I’m never going to be thin again and

I’m tired of thinking about my weight. And I’m sure as fuck not going to start voluntarily exercising.

I’m never going to be able to afford kids.

I’m never going to get to marry. And I really fucking wanted that, you know?

The older I get the scareder I get of having kids anyway.

I’m never going to have enough energy for life ever again. After mono and RA, there’s clearly no going back. I’ve been exhausted and unmotivated for two years.

I’m tired of just dragging through days, worrying about shit.

It’s pretty simple really. It turns out I’m too fucking lazy for life. So fuck it.

So. Now that I’ve said that. I’d like to be left in peace to quietly consider the freedom of that future.

Imma go listen to Snow Patrol for the next few years.