‘I Am Coming Home/To You

With my own blood

In my mouth

And I am coming home

To you

If it’s the last thing that I do’

I am compelled to try to draw together the gap. Close it up, hide it. Immediately. Even though I cannot see when I gave up trying to figure out what days the servers were still up and which they weren’t. I don’t know where the gap began, what to gather from the far side to stitch up against the sudden available present seam. I guess I’ll start by gathering what I can; what I know is different.

We bought a house. We got married. He took my name and I disowned my mother because she just didn’t show up. I mean, and the years of abuse and the ongoing manipulation and the stress she put me under are obvious factors. But ‘you didn’t come to my wedding’ is a pretty fucking big one, you know?

Before we moved, we got a second dog.

And lost him this year. Then we lost the hateful orange cat who’s lived with me since I was 20. The only pet left is Henry Three Legs, who will be gone soon. He is tired and getting sad.

I guess at this age, those are the kinds of things that change. Still the same monogamous partner, the same shit job. The same depression, anxiety and (my therapist posits) possible mood disorder. Still drink too much, still too angry.

I finally came out as trans, so that’s a thing, I guess. No one who knew me here is going to be shocked to learn I’m nonbinary, I suppose. These things seem to communicate more clearly in formats where you can’t see someone’s face or hear their voice, anyway.

I.. It’s a nice house. We have been planting things since 2013 now, and it’s starting to feel beautiful. The deer sure like us. They stand in the woods while I smoke and they obviously don’t give a fuck that I’m theoretically an apex predator. Jethro was a really great (monstrous) dog, and I will sit down and talk about him at some point. I am really angry about a lot of the facts of his life.

I missed this. I missed having somewhere safe and private where I have (had? Who knows who comes back) family who loves me. I plan to stay.