Earth-bound faith is dying…at least right now

I’m having no problem keeping the faith in God. My faith in people, however, is dying a slow and painful death.

I’ve been having a really bad time the last few days. Been feeling worthless, useless, and like a total waste of blubbery space. I got to talk to my grandson Bug earlier, and he cheered me up enormously, though I guess the thrill wore off eventually. He told me he loves me, though, and so did his mother, my baby girl, Elisabeth – nothing can beat that. That’s what I cling to right now, because other than my kids, my faith in people is dying, and it hurts. Boy, does it hurt.

Mama asked Joyce to take Hunter (Joyce’s SON), Kadence, and Summer (K and S are our brother Jerry’s kids) to Vacation Bible School. Joyce just used my van about two hours ago to pick up a cousin of ours to do some housework here, but she responded to my mother that she doesn’t have "her" car here….I use "her" because her boyfriend ALWAYS has the car, which, by the way, our brother paid for….and the van is "acting up". Well of course it is, since nobody but me takes care of it. It just needs a little transmission fluid, which is in the back of the van. 

Anyway, she can go get the cousin, her boyfriend, and a friend to do HER job, but she can’t take her son and our nieces to worship God. I’m really disillusioned by that. Mama’s taking them, though she is really worn out. I just woke up a bit ago, so I’m too foggy to drive, or I would have done it myself. 

Mama’s getting more like me as I try harder NOT to be like me. I’m trying to get more optimistic and hopeful about life and people, but every time we talk, Mama pulls a me and offers reasons why I shouldn’t. That’s not my Mama. It’s like we’re trading places, and I don’t like it. I’d rather she stay the eternal optimist, which I THOUGHT she was. Since Wayne had his stroke 11 months ago (I think), she has been getting more like me. Maybe having a demanding invalid spouse does that to a person? It’s painful to watch. I hate myself, so there’s no way I want my mother to be like me. It should be the other way around. She’s a much better person than I.

I don’t really know what else to write.