Theme Entry – Stranded in the middle of nowhere

This week’s question: Have you ever been stranded in the middle of nowhere? What feelings did it invoke, and what did you do?

Ok, this entry is going to sound way melodramatic, but this is how I am, and I don’t know how to change this part of me, so…

First of all, I’ve been stranded a number of times, because I seem to be the unluckiest fucker EVER with cars.  I will generalize and maybe throw in a few specific examples of actions I took to get UNstranded.

What feelings does it invoke, the question asks?  Oh, this is going to be so much fun!  My initial reaction is usually along the lines of, "Oh, this is just fucking PERFECT!  Naturally, I am 50 miles from my sister and 100 miles from home, so nobody can come get me….but if they DID come get me, that would just throw off life’s plan to fuck me out of existence!  The universe hates me more than I do, or so it thinks!"

Then, after a literal period of screaming and crying, a rush of rage will hit.  I will be PISSED that this shit ALWAYS happens to me.  Why does it happen to me so often?  Because, you fucking IDIOT (me, not you), you aren’t worth giving a shit about, because if you WERE worth it, life might DO IT!  So if life wants to fuck me over, then it can turn itself over a chair and fuck itself, instead!  *Insert hysterical laughter*  Too late…it’s been doing that for centuries!!!!

So after THAT wears off, I get resourceful.  I try to go into mechanic mode, which almost never works.  Then, I figure out how to get help.  The last time this really happened, I didn’t have a cell phone, so I had no way to make a call; not even 911!  So this one trip, since I was on a highway (with no businesses or anything nearby), I took stock of what I had with me in the car.  I had a suitcase and a bag.  Well, shit!  Hey, wait!  I have shaving cream in the bag!  Yes!  I wrote "HELP ME" on the rear window of the car.  Then, as I looked for some other aid, I found a tube of toothpaste.  Perfect!  It’s MUCH easier to write in toothpaste than in shaving cream!!!!  So I wrote on the SIDE windows, "Call 911, please!"…in toothpaste.

Now, it’s just a waiting game.  If nobody notices soon enough, I will figure some way to make a spectacle of myself (which, perhaps pathetically, is not difficult for me), so that someone might feel that calling the police to haul away the loony toony is a pretty good idea!

As it happened that one trip, someone saw the shaving cream and toothpaste…actually, several somebodies, I was told….and called the police.  When the officer arrived to give me a lift to the nearest gas station, which was wonderfully huge, he chuckled as he realized that the callers had, indeed, been accurate about my message relaying techniques.  Well, all right, then.  If it works, you bet your ass I’ll try it, no matter how odd it may seem!  If I were afraid of looking strange, I should have shriveled up and died a long long LOOOOONG time ago!

So yeah, the officer let me call my sister, and she headed out to get me.  I had to spend a few more days with her than we had planned, since I was on my way home when my car broke, but I was so so thankful that she would do that for me…and without hesitation!!!!  She saw that I needed something, and she jumped into action.  Sometimes I don’t like her method of operation, but I am very touched that I mean so much to my big sister, and I hope she knows she means that much to me, too.

The whole process has the feel of a slapstick comedy, but so does the rest of my life, so why not, I guess?!  One thing my life is NOT is boring!  

Herman Forstmann

Promote Your Page Too