I danced with the Devil and survived

Ok, this is going to be a strange entry, especially because it goes against a lot of what I believe in, yet I took part in all this willingly.

Three nights ago, Imy 18 year old godson decided it was time to smoke pot with his sister.  After years of saying no, I finally decided what the hell.  After all, I have glaucoma now, and I’ve always heard it helps with that.  Well, it seemed to, but I earned a first-class dance with the Devil himself, too!

You know how I’ve been so moody and irritable, hating on myself, for the last while?  K, do you also remember my mentioning Ralph, the nasty voice inside me that always tells me awful things about myself?  We got to meet Ralph, face to face. 

For some reason, I seem to be one of those people that has an adverse reaction to marijuana.  That’s all well and good, I guess, since I’d rather NOT become a pothead, anyway.  What I wish I HAD known a little in advance is that it would trigger the worst panic attacks of my life.  Now, we know why Ralph is the way he is, because, as I said, he introduced himself good and proper.  

This was not like the others inside.  I had never SEEN Ralph, though I can now.  I had only heard him, and I was petrified of him, because he wanted me to die.  Turns out, he wanted to live…and he wanted to live really big-time…but he was afraid he WAS dying.  

I know it’s easy to chalk this all up as a drug-induced something or another, but I don’t care.  It’s been different since it happened.  Now, when I look in the mirror, I don’t hear all the nasty comments about how ugly I am.  Nobody is telling me awful things about myself anymore.  When I express a thought, nobody is telling me how utterly stupid and useless it was or that it didn’t make any sense to anyone because I’m just too fucking stupid to make anything clear to anyone, anyway.

Ralph has a Mommy now.  Now that he’s come out into the open, Betty has taken over.  She knew he needed a mother, and she stepped right into the role.  For the moment, he is happy with that.

I honestly do not remember the bulk of what happened.  I do remember bits and pieces of it, and it was SCARY AS HELL, what I do remember.  I remember feeling like demons were ripping my soul out of my body, from behind, and it HURT.  It hurt so badly!  Ralph started screaming, and the breath was being pulled out of his throat, which made him scream more and worse.  Everyone in the house was really scared, and they tried to help….they DID help, ultimately….but Ralph was begging for Mikey.  Since we sat on one couch and Mikey sat on another…well, we couldn’t move, and Mikey is handicapped, so he couldn’t move, either.  Finally, someone thought to help me up and got the space cleared next to Mikey, and we FINALLY got to sit side by side.  That rescued all of us…us inside here, I mean.

And now I know that Ralph is only a young, frightened, child; a lot like the autistic children I have dealt with. 

If this all sounds too crazy, think what you will.  It was a break-through for me, even though it was a nasty way to HAVE a break-through.  It is so much more peaceful now, without his saying the awful things he did.  It also is nice to know that I have a very valid EXCUSE not to smoke pot again!  At least the temptation will be gone, now.

So yes, we stopped the Devil from claiming Ralph, and he is already getting better, but I know it’s going to be one helluva ride.  You ready?