Missing my boy

I fell into a very dangerous line of thinking earlier.  I was depressed about missing our visit today with Nathaneal, especially because all our attempts to get in touch with him have been in vain, so we didn’t get a chance to tell him one-on-one.  I didn’t want to have to relay that message through anyone.  I wanted Gramma and Grampa (the way he spells them, so now how I spell them) to break the news to him directly.  

Anyway, I was depressed about it, and I got to thinking about all the times I’ve let him down, and then I thought about all the times I’ve let the girls down, and then I thought how we failed Isaiah, and….you see where this is going, don’t you?  

I was looking through Laurie’s medicine basket for an allergy pill, and I came upon one of her blood pressure meds, which is also used to treat some kinds of heart disease, I guess.  Well, I had a bad moment of wanting to empty the bottle into my tummy.  My reasoning was that one BIG let-down like that would be better than a lifetime full of more let-downs.  So I went to bed.  Didn’t get to sleep, but I did get to feeling better and more reasonable.

I’m really missing Nathaneal hard-core right now.  I suppose it’ll be that way all day, since we’re supposed to be there all day to visit.  Stupid viruses have been making a go-round here again, and Laurie has caught one.  Sometimes, circumstances make me so mad, but what good does it do to be mad?  I know Nathaneal will understand…he always has…but if I feel so disappointed, and I’m a grown man, what must HE feel, being only 12 years old?

Two people told me that Nathaneal (to the right of me in the diary pic) looks like he could be my son.  I told him that made me very happy and I felt so proud that someone might think that.  He said it made him feel the same way!!!!  Talk about an awesome kid!!!!! 

In that regard, I am the absolute luckiest man who ever lived!  Our kids and grandkids offer constant support and unconditional love to both of us, and we both often feel so unworthy of it.  It is CERTAINLY reciprocal.  I have never loved anyone as intensely as I love my wife, our daughters, and our grandchildren!

Want a Bug anecdote?  Btw, Bug is what we call Benny, Jr.  Memaw used to call me June Bug, when I was little, and it got shortened to Bug, through the years, and I thought it would be neat to have my own grandson have the same nickname my beautiful grandmother gave me.  He was walking outside today, and Elisabeth and I were talking on the phone (like we do a good 40% of the time!), and he tripped.  He looked at his mother and said, "I fell off the ground, Mommy!"  I love it!

Things keep appearing to be coming together, and then something stupid will happen to temporarily derail plans.  I get really scared sometimes….as if that’s anything new.  Laurie’s health continues to be precarious as hell.  We told the doctor about some lumps in her breasts, and when he examined them, he IMMEDIATELY scheduled a mammogram.  I was taken aback by the speed of this, because usually, he will say something like, "Well, we need to get you scheduled for a mammogram", but this time, he did it RIGHT THEN.  As most of you probably know, Laurie’s mother and both her mother’s sisters had (and SURVIVED) breast cancer, so we’re rather….ummm, obsessive, maybe?….about the home exams.  Not only that, but she was recently diagnosed with early-stage emphysema.  At the moment, she’s got whatever bug is going around (unfortunately, NOT our grandson), and that’s messing with her breathing even more.  

I guess I’ve gotten somewhat used to the seemingly endless string of medical crises, because now I don’t ever feel like running away anymore.  It’s a horrible thing to admit, but I used to want to.  Not because I don’t love her, because I do, but because it’s so draining, both physically and emotionally; on both of us.  She has to suffer and I have to take care of her almost-EVERY need.  Literally the ONLY thing she does by herself anymore is go to the bathroom, and not always that.  My body is starting to rebel big-time, but who will take care of me?  Me.  Sometimes, I still get a little bitter about that, but there’s no use wasting even more energy on that.  I’m too goddamned TIRED to be constantly angry and bitter.  Someone else can have that, thank you.

She got her hospital bed, finally!  It looks like it is not as comfortable as we hoped it would be, but at least she has it, and she can adjust it without help.  

I haven’t been sleeping well, lately, AGAIN.  Insomnia is a life-long enemy of mine.  Even as a little boy, I had that problem.  Mama would tell me, "Just lie down, close your eyes, don’t think of anything, and you’ll be asleep before you know it."  That never worked.  I swear, I could lie there for HOURS thinking, more or less, "Duuuuuuuuuh!" and still be wide awake.  It’s not really that big a problem for me, personally, and I think Laurie finally realizes I’m not CHOOSING to stay awake, but Stacy just moved back in, and Barbara, the home health aid for Laurie…well, neither of them seems to give a rat’s ass whether or not I’ve slept, whether or not my back hurts or I can’t breathe.  No one ever asks me how I feel.  It’s as if I’d have to be wheelchair-bound before anyone even MIGHT consider that I’m not feeling good.  Oh freakin’ well.  I’ve given up on it.  If they don’t like how I operate, they don’t have to deal with it.  If my house isn’t up to their standards, well, that’s not my problem.  I hate to sound snotty about it, but I’ve got two important people to take care of; Laurie and Herman.  That comes before anything, and if I’m too tired to do the dishes, then the dishes can wait, or they can do them and not complain.  I’m willing.  I just have to pace myself more, nowadays.

Luckily, one special, pleasant side-effect of having so much interaction with Nathaneal lately is that I’ve begun to realize that if I would advise my daughters or their children to live one way, I would do well to take my own advice.  If I tell them to live one way, but I don’t do it myself, what will they take from that?  They’ll be more like me, which is what I’m trying to avoid!  Also, I remind myself regularly, now, that I, too, am someone’s child.  My mother may be withdrawn as hell right now, but I know she still loves me and wants the best for me.  So I have to do HER baby right in order to teach MY babies and THEIR babies how to do themselves right.  Yup, makes sense.

K, I’ve typed a lot, so I will hush for now.

Love you all,

Hermy