With a little distance, it might look different

I just read my "Hostile wakeup" entry.  I realize, now, that I didn’t mention something really important in that one.  Yes, Mama left Daddy out of Memaw’s funeral service, but two of her brothers mentioned Daddy anyway.  Also, I confronted Mama about it, just before the service, and she said, "I couldn’t figure out how to fit him in."  That hurt me so much, and I got angry, when I probably should have tried to be more understanding.  

Flash forward a few months.  At Johnny’s wedding, they made specific mention of Ashley’s late sister and of both our recently-deceased grandmothers, but Johnny was listed as the son of our mother and our stepfather, and no mention whatsoever was made of Daddy in the ceremony.  Again, I was really hurt, and it manifested itself in a temper tantrum.  Well, what I guess I "forgot" about is that when we all just about simultaneously realized that Daddy was left out, Mama started crying.  My sister ordered me to calm down and not make a scene, which I hated, but I guess it might have been the right thing to do.  

I think Mama was crying because it occurred to her that she set that particular ball in motion.  She made it easier for our father to be left out of things he belonged in.  Since she has told me a few different times through the years that, in essence, she loved Daddy more than she ever loved anyone – at least, romantically; maybe more PERIOD, but that would be fine with me – and my stepdad is NOT accommodating of anything that would make Mama’s life any better or easier, as long as HIS needs are taken care of, I figure Mama left Daddy out not as a slight to him, but out of guilt and torn loyalty.  After all, Wayne is her husband just as much as Daddy was, whether I like it all the time or not.  I have NO qualms about bringing Daddy into family matters, since he definitely WAS a part of the family, and he always will be with me.  

Damnit, now I’m starting to cry again.  I’m not angry; I’m sad.  I miss Daddy, and I’m really sad that he never got to know any of his grandchildren, which would now number five….can’t count Hunter or my other nieces or nephews, because they are Mama’s and WAYNE’s grandchildren, not Daddy’s.  MH’s, Johnny’s, and my children are Daddy’s grandchildren, and we have five among the three of us.  And he wouldn’t be the least bit disinterested just because my brother and I each only have stepchildren, not biological.  Alex and Juli would be his only biological offspring, and I know he’d be tickled with them.  I also imagine that Juli would have her Granddaddy wrapped around her little finger!  I call her "Mary Helen, Jr." sometimes, because she looks and sometimes acts just like her mother, and Daddy and Mary Helen were TIGHT!  

That’s another thing.  I didn’t know until recently that, in the same way I have always featured my mother and grandmothers so much in my heart and life, that’s how it was for MH with Daddy.  I didn’t know she felt so much closer to him than to Mama.  She told me this not long ago, and it stunned me.  I guess I had thought we all considered Mama "the nice one".  Not so.  MH has issues about Mama that I never dreamed existed!  It was interesting, our almost debating about Mama.  It clued me into a lot of things regarding my sister’s life and behaviors.  She was 17 when Daddy died, and she told me that it felt like the total end of her world when he died.  While it was extremely life-altering for me, it would have been WAY different had it been Mama instead of Daddy.  That may be ugly to admit to, but it’s true.  

Funny….as much as I rant and rave about Mama sometimes, I still usually view her as my hero.  I fight with people over her.  I defend her when I think she needs it.  I want her to be happy, when there seem to be people, even in the family, who hold a stronger grudge than I am capable of about the whole Wayne vs. Me thing.  Yes, it bothers me enormously, but this woman is my MOTHER!  I’ve always adored my mother, and, even though I want her punished sometimes, those moments pass and I still love her just the same way.  Even when I’m so mad I could spit nails at her, if she cries, I crumble and try to make it better.  

I’m concluding from all this that it was NOT okay to leave Daddy out of things, but I understand, to some level.  I will not accept it, but I do understand.  I don’t think it’s right to basically throw someone away for the convenience and/or ego of someone else.  But I will never leave him out, so I’m doing what I can to honor my father AND my mother, all at the same time.  That seems like it should be one and the same, but it doesn’t quite feel like it is.