Seven years ago, today…

On January 5, 2005, my life changed completely.  Though I didn’t know it right away, I would wind up gaining my beautiful family from the very surprising experience of having what I believed was my male partner arrive on a bus, only to find that he was a she! 

But this was also the day that I realized we would almost-definitely get married.  I asked myself, "Can I live with Laurie for the rest of my life?"  The answer was "I don’t know".  Then I asked myself if I could live WITHOUT My Mikey for the rest of my life.  That was easy!  I said NO!  And I told my mother, while my now-wife lay in the hospital from an overdose, that I felt certain that Laurie and I would wind up married to each other.

This day, in 2005, was the first time I ever saw my wife, in person.  I will never forget her walking up to me in the bus station and mentioning my name.  I was very unstable that day, and apparently I told some family members that I wanted them to get her out of the house, when they asked, but I don’t remember doing that.  I don’t deny it, though.  Someone could have asked me if I had killed the Pope that day, and I might have said I did!  

What I mainly remember from that day is when we were sitting in the home office and she kept asking me our AOL password.  I told her what seemed like ten times, but she couldn’t type it right.  Then, suddenly, she slumped over and the chair broke under her.  I ran over to her, and she had a line of red spit running down the side of her face.  I knew it wasn’t blood.  It was pills.  So somehow, my friends who were there (to help keep me as calm as possible) managed to call for an ambulance, and my future wife was taken to the hospital.  As she was leaving in the ambulance, I told her I would be up to visit her as soon as possible, and that I would call Tiffany and Elisabeth and tell them what was happening.  That’s the first time I realized that Tiffany and Elisabeth would be my daughters.

And here we are, seven years later, still together and not going anywhere.  We test each other’s nerves, we scream and holler sometimes, we STILL frequently misunderstand each other, but I still feel closer to her than I ever have to anyone.  She really IS my other half, and I would be so lost without her.  

When I was younger, people would tell me I’d "just know" when I met the right person.  I thought that was bullshit, but then I met My Mikey, and I "just knew".  Since we were friends before we decided to be a couple, we are still together a decade later.  I really don’t see that changing, and I hope it doesn’t.  In spite of feeling so overwhelmed by her physical deterioration and somewhat demanding nature, I need her just as much now as ever.  Part of why I can be such a bitch to her is the sheer TERROR that goes along with thinking that on any given day, she might not be here anymore.  It really IS that unpredictable.  She is very unstable, and she has several life-threatening conditions, so it gets really scary.  "Scary" doesn’t even begin to cut it!  It’s horrifying, terrifying, unbelievably soul-shaking….just not a good thing.  I frequently wonder exactly HOW I would go about telling our children that their mother had died, or worse, telling our GRANDchildren that their beloved Grandma was dead.  And there’s all the uncertainty that goes along with that line of thought….would the family want me anymore?  Do they love me for me, too, or just because I’m married to their family member?  I KNOW Elisabeth would still want me, and I know Nathaneal and Bug would, too.  My younger daughter and my grandsons, I feel rock-solid and certain about.  I get worried that Tiffany would be different.  I don’t mean that as an insult or anything, but she has such a close bond with her mother, and I can’t help but be afraid that losing her mother would change how she regarded me.  

Speaking of the girls and me, regarding the possibility of disaster…..The first time Laurie was hospitalized with renal failure, it looked REALLY BAD.  The doctor told me they were thinking about putting her on dialysis, as a temporary measure, but she had not output ANYTHING in more than a day when the doctor said that.  I nagged him about it, but he kept saying they were "considering" it.  I lost my cool and asked him if she had to DIE for him to make up his goddamned mind.  That didn’t exactly help the situation.  Thank God, she started outputting either during that night or the next morning.  Anyway, while Laurie was in the hospital, naturally, I talked to OUR daughters.  Elisabeth asked me, in a shaky voice, "Ummm….if…something happens to my Mom; I mean if she dies, you know…..would you still be my Dad?"  I would have liked nothing more than to give her a great big hug right at that moment, and I got REALLY angry, but not at her.  I told her, "Of course I will!  You’re stuck with me, Baby Girl!  I’m not giving up what God gave me!!!!"  She kinda laughed, and we decided that her mother wasn’t going to die…I know, like we had any real say in it….so why was I angry?  As I said, I was not angry at Elisabeth.  I was absolutely FURIOUS that she felt she had to ask that question.  Thanks a lot, all you deadbeat parents!  You made it to where my daughter felt uncertain enough that she had to ask HER FATHER if he would always BEEEEE her father!  I knew this was not a reflection on me…one of the few times I’ve ever actually cut myself some slack….but because of the patterns of her life, so far.  People would enter, use up everything, then leave…for good.  Fuck them!  That’s my attitude!  Tiffany and Elisabeth are MY daughters, too, not just Laurie’s.  Their biological fathers have never been in the picture, and their mother (like me) never had a stable relationship until we met each other.  So I fully understood why Elisabeth asked and that it was not a blight on my character.  I knew she was afraid of losing both parents at once.  Unless I dropped dead, too, there was ZERO chance of that happening!!!!!

I’m going to try to get Laurie to read this entry, because it is still easier to write some things than to say them, for some stupid reason, and I want her to know that I am extremely grateful to have her in my life, as my partner, as my other half.  Along with the security of having a true match whom I KNOW loves and cherishes me, no matter what we might say or do sometimes, plus the fact that, because of her, I have two wonderful daughters, five beautiful and awesome grandchildren, and a whole "new" family….how could I not cherish all these things?  She single-handedly made me a husband, a father, and a grandfather, all of which I desperately longed to be, eventually, even if I thought my par

tner would be male.  I’m over that, though.  Been over that for a long time now.  

So Happy 7-Year Arrival Anniversary, Babe!  I love you in a calmer, but possibly deeper way, but just as much, if not more, than I ever have.  In June, we will celebrate 7 years of marriage.  I really hope for at least 30-something more…after all, we’ll be awfully OLD if we make it to the 40th! 🙂

I love you all,

Hermy