Right now, I’m not grown

I’m not 36. I’m 6.  Isn’t it funny how certain circumstances can rip big chunks of years away from us sometimes?  If my mother takes the time to talk to me, only to tell me she can’t talk right now, I’m suddenly 30 years younger, wanting to beg for her time.  I’m not the old man I feel like.  I’m not much older than my youngest grandson.  He’s 3, but I’m only 6.  How does that work?

Am I losing my mind?  They say that if you think you’re crazy, you’re not, but I don’t know if I agree with that.  I’ve always known something was wrong with me.  For a while, I changed it from "wrong" to "different", but who gives a shit about political correctness right now?  Not I.  

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why I’m so affected by my mother.  What does it matter if she doesn’t have time for me?  I’m a grown man.  I have a wife, kids, and grandkids now…why am I so upset that my Mama doesn’t give me enough attention?  I almost wish I could hate her…that way, I wouldn’t CARE if she pays attention to me or not.  But I can’t hate her.  

Walking paradox, party of one.  It’s always been that way, though.  I care and I don’t care.  I age and I don’t age.  I live but I don’t live.  And right now, as so often, I just have to say SOOO WHAT?!!!!

As you may have guessed, I’m unmedicated again.  I missed my last appointment with Dr Psycho.  That was the same day Mama had her appointments with the eye doctor and the specialist, so I am waiting until the end of September to have another appointment.  Not that my meds were really helping, anyway.  I’ve put in a request to start services with my Waco p-doc again.  He listens and seems to care about his patients.  He’s just as busy as Dr Psycho, but he isn’t as mean. 

Honestly, if I were to go to sleep (in a few minutes) and never wake up again, I don’t think I’d complain much….especially since I couldn’t breathe, so how WOULD I complain, anyway?!!!!  I keep thinking that I only screw up my handicapped wife’s life and set a horrible example for my grandchildren.  Our daughters are grown, and they accept me as I am, but what am I teaching THEIR children?  You know how awful it will be when they realize their Grandpa is a nutcase?!  Awful for both of us….them and me.  On the day that it dawns on them what a loser I’ve always been, they won’t be able to respect me anymore, and I’ll die if they stop loving me.  It’s not that I don’t have faith in them.  I have TONS of it.  I just can’t realistically expect anyone to respect what is not respectable.  

The more I try to change things, the worse they get.  Right now, we don’t have gas or water in the house.  I don’t understand how the internet is still connected, because utilities get a higher priority, so we didn’t pay the internet, either…but it’s still on, for now.  The electric bill is taken care of, for the moment.  

I don’t care!  Think what you want to think!

Herman Forstmann

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