Feeling the difference again
How do you like that banner? I made it for another blog a few years back. Pictured above are all five of our grandchildren. That’s what this is about.
For starters, I’ve been feeling really irritable and touchy lately, anyway, mixed in with self-loathing and depression. Not a good combo, because that’s when I feel like it’d be best if I just died.
One thing I can feel a difference with is the whole having children (and grandchidren) thing. No one has ever said anything to me about this, since I’ve become a parent, but I can recall the conversations that I had with people BEFORE that! Sometimes, I feel like people don’t think I’m a "real" parent, just because I haven’t fully raised any children. I grudgingly admit and acknowledge that I did not bring my daughters up myself. Tiffany was 24 when Laurie and I married. Elisabeth was 14 and lived 1500 miles away. Then we DID have Elisabeth living with us, for a short time, but then she got married and moved back to California with her husband, Benny.
I’m almost in tears right now, because I feel like I’m in a category all by myself. I feel like no one acknowledges that, because the kids and I love each other and accept each other, we ARE family. Yes, it still feels strange, upon occasion, to say I have a 12 year old grandson, my baby Nathaneal. That’s one advantage about Bug, the little stinker in the baseball cap, above. He will be three this month, and it could be plausible that I could have a three year old grandson, at my age. I am 36, and if I "started young" and so did my daughter, then yes, I could have a biological 3 year old grandson.
Thank GOD my grandchildren love and accept me. Nathaneal flat-out told me he needs me! Talk about a special feeling!!!!
I worry that time and circumstances have put some distance between Tiffany and me. Oddly, the same time and some of the same circumstances have brought Elisabeth and me closer together. She told me I am her best friend, which made me cry from happiness. I know what she meant….after Benny and Jr-Bug, of course. That’s fine with me. It is as it should be, and I’m not the least bit jealous about that. After all, our little Bug is quite a charming, amazing child, and his Daddy is a very good, honest man who truly loves my daughter and grandson. Benny has even taken to calling me "Dad" now!
Maybe I’m just being paranoid about all this, but whenever I talk about Tiffany, in particular, I feel like people are thinking, "Yeah right! You SERIOUSLY think you could qualify as a FATHER to a 30 year old woman?" Yes, in fact, I do. Because WE say so. As for Elisabeth, I guess I think of it in a semi-unhealthy way, I dunno. I like to think of her as my own flesh and blood, even though she is not. She IS my heart, though. Tiff-Taff is, too. I just get scared and insecure sometimes about Tiffany. I wonder if she TRULY accepts me as her father. There was one particularly nasty argument between us last year where I told her that I needed to take a break from communicating with her and Ed, her asshole husband (from whom she finally separated!). She didn’t understand why I said it, but I was too angry at Ed to use enough….common sense? Parental instinct? WHATEVER TO DESCRIBE WHAT I OWED HER….to explain it. I told her that I felt like Ed was the reason we lost our three grandchildren. He made it easy for my unstable daughter to abandon her children, I said. While I stand by this statement, I don’t mean it hatefully…not anymore. I was INCREDIBLY hostile about it, at the time.
I’ve come to realize that Tiffany just might not be fit to be a parent. Again, I don’t say this hatefully. I say it as recognition of my daughter’s limitations. She is every bit as volatile as I am, and she was VERY OFTEN overwhelmed by raising three children on her own, especially since one has special needs. I used to see it as more of a black and white situation. Not anymore. In an ideal world, she could overcome her own issues on behalf of her children. In reality, she’s not ABLE to do that, no matter how much she loves her children…and she DOES love them. I understand that. That’s one reason why I usually say that I guess God didn’t see me as a fit parent for a young child, so he gave me two grown ones, instead.
Back to the nasty argument with Tiffany, for a moment, since I wandered off-topic, in my usual fashion, again. At one point, she told me, "I thought you were different from other men my Mom has been with, but you’re not, and you’re not my Dad. You’re just some asshole who is married to my Mom." THAT hurt!
I hadn’t meant to END my relationship with her, just to take a break in talking. It didn’t take us long to mend the fence, but since then, I’ve wondered if I destroyed her faith in me. She still calls me "Pops" or "Dad", but I always wonder if she has reservations about it now.
The same night she said I was the asshole married to her mother, Laurie finally intervened and talked to Tiffany. I was bawling my eyes out, and I asked Laurie to PLEASE tell Tiffany I didn’t want to hurt her and that I loved her with all my heart.
A few days later, Ed started his usual shit with her, having her committed again, because she didn’t want to be with him anymore. FINALLY, we managed to get her some help in getting out of an abusive marriage. Laurie was smart enough to talk directly with the doctors at the hospital and get THEM to suggest it, because she knew that if WE did, Tiffany would rebel again. That’s the dynamic between us, where men in her life are concerned. She’s incredibly self-destructive (like her parents!) and doesn’t like feeling pressured into taking care of herself. This is one thing I definitely wish we did NOT have in common.
Right this second, I feel like a real parent. When I started this entry, I didn’t know what I felt like. My mother asked me, not long ago, who my heroes were. My answer was simple…my girls! She said, "Even Tiffany?" I was not offended, because I understood why she asked that. After all, I am HER child! I said yes, of course Tiffany, too. &nb
sp;She said, "Why do you say they’re your heroes?" So I told her…..
Elisabeth is very strong-willed and has a determination to work her way through life and provide for her family as best she can. She’s not willing to settle for anything less than what she wants, and that’s a good thing, because she’s willing to work as hard as necessary to achieve it. When life tries to knock her down, she doesn’t let it…or at least, not for long. She gets up and blazes ahead.
Tiffany is our sweet, not-so-strong-willed, girl who is very very troubled, but one thing I admire most about her is that when life kicks her, usually while she’s already down (which makes this Pops want to kick the fucking shit out of LIFE), she may cry a little while; maybe get depressed or what have you, but she pulls herself together and attempts to live her life with dignity. Even when she fails to do it, I am in awe of her persistence and effort to do it.
After I told my mother those things, she was quiet for a minute, then she said, "Those girls are very lucky to have you for their father." I told her that I am lucky to have them as my daughters!
No, I’m not a biological parent, but I DO have parents of my own. I’m QUITE aware of a parent-child bond because of that…because of being the child in that particular instance. I’ve tried really hard to be the person I think my parents wanted me to be; to honor my Memaw, too, because she did not judge anyone and she loved unconditionally. I had some really good role models, so if I AM a good parent, it’s because I was taught well.
I love my family.
Herman Forstmann
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