Gotta get out of this habit! *Edit* “these habits”

This morning…way EARLY this morning, when the rest of the world was probably asleep…I edited my last entry.  Then I started thinking about something.  I rely on people’s approval WAY too much.  In fact, if I wanted to be technical (and why not?), I really shouldn’t need ANYONE’s approval but my own…well, maybe my wife’s, to a certain degree.  But, as I’ve said before, in my view, happiness is a state of being, not a particular mood or what have you.  Overall, believe it or not, I’m happy with my life.  Not always satisfied, but overall still happy.  I have a good life.  It’s hard, but it’s good.

So I have got to get out of this habit of constantly seeking approval and reassurance for every move I make.  It’s not even realistic, anyway.  Nobody is on standby for me, just to watch what I do well and tell me how well I did it.  Gawd, it’s like I’m learning to walk again, waiting for the applause that people give their babies.  Wow, never thought of it that way until just now.  I thought I was at least five, not an infant. 

If Hermy is satisfied with what Hermy does or does not do, then that’s all that will have to matter to Hermy, within reason, of course.  I don’t want to become a prick about it.  I still want to be nice as I can be.  But my mother’s old saying of "Own your own problems" plus my tag-line of "because this one is not mine!" will have to become regular parts of my thinking and internal dialogue again.

Mind made up.  Acting on it may not be so easy…but why not? 

*Edit and update*

I just read a friend’s diary, and it prompted me to think about my dependence, emotionally, on both my parents, even though Daddy has been dead for 21 years.  I am waaaaaay overboard with that, it seems.  I hold my parents in my heart as some kind of superhuman people….perhaps that’s why I get so angry when my mother doesn’t live up to that standard.  That’s not fair to any of us.  They are/were human beings, not Superman and Wonder Woman.  It’s crazy to think that I’ve wandered far enough into life to become a father and grandfather, but I’ve still never really grown up, at least emotionally.  I’m  like a child that way.  Mama doesn’t give me my bottle?  Throw a temper tantrum – that ought to do it!  But it doesn’t really work that way.  At least, not when you’re an adult.  Not when I’M an adult, anyhow.

Daddy is gone, but he will always be here in my heart and mind.  I think about him every single day.  Mama is 57 and in decent health…could be better, but could also be far worse.  Worst case scenario – Mama dies very soon (shudders thinking of it).  What do I do?  I can’t afford to fall apart.  I have a wife, children, grandchildren, and lots of other family that will need me even more then.  I won’t say I won’t temporarily fall apart.  No doubt, I would.  I’m just saying it can’t be the end of the world.  Or, as my friend Rich told me, "Only the end of the world is the end of the world, and this ain’t it."

Man, I have a lot of issues to sort through.  Grief, I’m not too worried about.  I’m in mourning for several reasons.  My diary has probably made that crystal clear to anyone who reads it.  Again, though, it can’t be the end of the world.  Life goes on, the freak!  As long as it KEEPS going on, then my job is to live it the best I can.  That will have to start with demonstrating my level of happiness, learning not to be so critical of those closest to me, and learning to rely more on ME than on other people.

Herman Forstmann

Promote Your Page Too