Bad night last night – bad day today

Last night, I was told that a "family finder" guy for CPS, with whom Laurie and I had spoken, called some of our family and told them that Laurie had said we were not interested in Isaiah’s welfare.  I was right beside her for the call, and she never uttered anything similar to that.  She voiced one concern: that we might not be physically able to keep up with a 7 year old boy, but she never said she didn’t want him.  That concern was taken out of context and twisted to mean something we didn’t mean.

Naturally, I got really upset and depressed.  So depressed, in fact, that I thought really hard about killing myself.  I figured what was the use of all this?  Why suffer for the rest of my life for things I didn’t even do?  It is as if there is some force at work that is hellbent on stealing my family away from me, and I just don’t understand WHY.  I want to know what I ever did that was so bad I deserve to have my LIFE taken away, but still be breathing…a body, not a person.

But maybe it doesn’t matter if I know why or not.  Barbara delivered a message to me, via music.  She helped me understand that my presence DOES matter, and I have reasons to hold on.  She told me not to walk away, and I cried and listened.

I’m having a really bad morning.  I don’t feel at all confident in myself.  I feel as if whatever I say or do can and will be used against me in the court of life.  

Really, though – I don’t want my grandson?  When I was told what the CPS guy said, I felt as if he may as well have shot me in the heart.  It would have amounted to about the same thing, for the moment.  Not for the long term.  It felt like I was the most awful, horrible person that this kind of thing could and would happen to me.  I even specifically told that guy that I was "jealous as hell" that I was a stepgrandparent and not a biological one to Isaiah.  I told him, "I miss him so much".  Did he report any of what I said at all?  No.  I keep forgetting that I’m really not important, in the scheme of things.  Because I didn’t fuck Laurie in 1980 and produce a daughter named Tiffany, I’m not worth having a family.  Crude, but it’s what it feels like.

I understand a biological link being top priority, but why is the "step" link removed entirely?

As if I needed another lesson in humility.  Oh well, got one anyway.

A very sad Jack