Missing Nanny

Before I start this entry, I’d like to say Happy 60th Birthday to my Uncle Clyde!

I was just looking at video clips of Bette Davis on YouTube.  One clip was of the Intimate Portrait that was made about her.  It included clips of an interview with her son, Michael.  He talked about the book his sister had written, which broke Bette’s heart and estranged mother and daughter for the rest of Bette’s life.

That got me to thinking about Nanny again.  What’s the parallel?  I’ll tell you.

My grandmother was a very difficult woman.  Of course, I’m not claiming to be an angel, either.  At one time, I considered writing a book that would have been similar in style to My Mother’s Keeper.  I changed my mind.

Why?  Because I couldn’t bring myself to dishonor my father’s mother that way.  Besides, I was brought up to doubt myself, and I wondered if my view of Nanny was skewed by whatever demons drove ME.  I still don’t know about that.

I’m missing her.  Michael, Bette’s son, said he never thought she would die.  Well, we used to joke that when Nanny’s time came, we’d have to kill her to get her to go.  So we never thought she’d REALLY die, either…to which she would say, "Ooooh, don’t be stoopid!"

Now she is an angel on my shoulder.  I had a crying jag on New Year’s Eve, just before it turned to the new year.  Before Nanny developed Alzheimer’s, we used to call her at midnight on New Year’s and yell "Happy New Year!" to her.  Again, it hit me that that would be impossible, from now on.  To get through the crying spell, I retrieved a ball gown of hers from the hallway, and I sat in one of the recliners, which was originally hers, and held the gown and cried.  I sooo wished I could be holding her instead of a dress.  

I miss my grandmother so much.  Who’d have thought?  Well, my siblings thought so.  They told me they were afraid for me, once we found out about the cancer, especially since it was terminal.  They were afraid I would fall apart after Nanny, the strongest presence in my life for the last 21 years, was gone.  Well, I’m not in pieces.  I lose my composure sometimes, but mostly, I’m okay.  She’s with so many family members and friends again.  She can see and talk to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, whom I still don’t fully understand, but I believe He exists.

So……I’m just going to have to let the grief come when it does, until someday, I’ll just feel the familiar sad ache.  Not one that threatens to carry me away…just a soft, sad ache, because I miss her.  I know what I’m talking about because of all the losses we’ve had before, particularly Daddy.  

Happy New Year, Nanny!  I hope you knocked back a Grasshopper at the stroke of midnight.  If alcohol isn’t available in Heaven, I’m sure you hollered, "Den giff me somesing GREEEEEN!"

Makes me laugh!

Herman Forstmann

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