Sad night

I was just looking at the picture entry I did earlier, and it suddenly hit me that my grandmother is dead.  It was a like a sledge-hammer to the gut.  Or I guess a blow to the heart, because my mind has already wrapped around the fact that she is gone…..

All the nasty things I said and did through the years…..even in this diary.  And she’s dead.  She can’t come back, and I really REALLY wish she could right now!  I wish there was some way to undo everything that went wrong.  So much of it could be construed as either her or my fault, either way, but it doesn’t matter…..I don’t CARE who was wrong or right…I just really want everything to be better than it really was.  That doesn’t make any sense, though.

I hate this. 

I miss her so much already, and I don’t care if that sounds hypocritical.  You can look at the second picture in that photo entry and see the grandmother I had as a child, before everything went so horribly wrong.  For her.  For us.  For all my family.  She was such a happy person, then, and I am crying right now, because I feel like she was ROBBED of that happiness.  So much tragedy.  I want my grandmother back, and it doesn’t matter that I know I can’t have her back.  I still want her, anyway.

Nanny, I know I caused you a lot of pain, and you hurt me terribly through the years….but that doesn’t matter to me anymore…the part about you hurting me, anyway.  It matters that I hurt you right back!  Where was respect of elders?  Oh, my heart hurts so much right now, Nanny.  I wish I could hug you one more time, and never ever let you go.  

It was your time.  Funny, but I guess I really believed what we used to jokingly say…."When Nanny’s time comes, we’ll have to kill her to get her to go."  That used to seem funny, but right now, it just seems cruel.  I don’t want it to be your time!!!!!!!!  Oh, WHY isn’t my Daddy here to help me?  Why can’t I have my Mama right now?  Why is it just Laurie and me, dealing with this hideous loss, when neither of us is very stable to begin with?

I hope you forgave me.  It seemed like you did, and I forgave you.  I love you so much, Nanny.  It really hurts so badly not to be able to talk to you right now.  I want to hear your voice again.  I have a recording, thank God!  

You were such a dominant force in my life, and my life will never be the same now.  I miss you.  I love you.  I have always loved you, and I am happy that I always said that.