Nanny’s final days are upon us

I’m sitting in here with Nanny.  She is dying…no way around it. 

Every breath she takes, I fear it is the last one.  She is soooo weak and tired now.  She’s emaciated, because she can’t eat much, and the cancer has done its job overtime…it has already eaten her alive.  I don’t know how she keeps that fighting spirit.  She’s too weak to lift her legs very high, but she keeps trying to put them over the bed rail and get out of bed.  She also keeps trying to sit up.  Even WITH assistance, she can’t sit up anymore for more than a few seconds at a time, but she still keeps trying.

I wonder if she’ll ever admit defeat and go on to where her son, my Daddy, awaits her again.  I don’t want her to be alone right now.  I’m so afraid this is THE END that I’m just sitting with her, even though there is very little I can do for her anymore.  I can feed her and give her medicines.  Each time I feed her, I am paranoid that she will choke to death on it.  

Her breathing is so shallow it almost isn’t there anymore. 

I keep thinking I’m ready for her final breath, but each time she has a hesitation between breaths, I panic.  I guess there’s just no way to BE prepared for it.

If she dies while I’m in here, how on Earth do I break the news to my sister and brother?  MH is sleeping a lot.  Yes, I’m still angry with her, but this is too important a time to cut her out of my life, so….

Laurie is asleep.  I’ve been impatient and mean with her for at LEAST the past two weeks.  Mama says it’s been months.  Well, I’m completely off my psych meds, which can’t help.  I don’t want to see my psychiatrist again, especially since I lodged a complaint about his lack of professionalism, but I may HAVE to.  Things can’t keep going this way.

I know what’s coming, and I know I’ll have to drive all 150 miles home just after my grandmother dies.  I don’t look forward to what lies ahead.  But it has to be done.  Why aren’t there EVER any situations that DON’T have a "this has to happen" attached to them?

Jack