Even if plans go awry, it can still be good

I’m thinking about when Laurie and I got married.  We had been living together for six months and five days when we got married.  It’s kinda funny.  We had been planning to marry in December, to commemorate our original "we got together this day" anniversary, which would be December 9.  We got together in 2003; married on June 10, 2005.

We were already in the process of losing two of our grandchildren, at that time.  Tiffany called us one day in May and said that we "need to get married right away".  I was like, "Umm, we were planning a wedding, but why do you say that?"  She said she had "kinda" told the CPS people that we might provide a home for her and her children…oh, and by the way, she’d said, we were "already hitched".  

Okaaaaaay.  I realize she did this out of concern for her children, but the CPS people could have easily found out whether or not we were already married.  What did we do?  We arranged what was probably the shortest-notice wedding in the history of man.  Well, except for people who elope, I guess…like my parents did.  

We were going to try to get married on June 3, which is my grandparents’ anniversary, but my Uncle Clyde, who performed the ceremony, couldn’t make it that day…or maybe we couldn’t.  Not sure.  We lived in Waco, at that time, and we already knew we would get married in Corsicana, my hometown. 

Somehow, we settled for June 10. 

That day started in an awful way.  I always get monsterish when I’m really nervous, and I was about to get MARRIED, so yeah, I was reaaaaally nervous that day.  Unfortunately, I took it ALL out on Laurie.  It’s a testament to her love for me that she still married me that day, after I’d been so mean and hateful that morning.  I don’t even remember what all I said, though she does….and she won’t tell me, for some reason, which drives me crazy!  How can I apologize when I don’t even remember what all went down?

What I remember about that day is getting to Nanny’s house, where we were married, and anxiously awaiting the arrival of my brother.  We were not sure he would make it for the actual ceremony, so we kept delaying it.  Fortunately, Laurie knew how important it was for me to have him there, and she has never said she minded waiting for him to show up. 

As it all worked out, we finally began the ceremony, without my brother there.  Right in the big middle of it all, the door flies open and in pops my brother, like some UPS super hero! 

So we were married.  It was not as we’d planned it, but I’ll tell you what….I have been very happy to be a married man.  Before, when we would go to the doctor, which has always happened a lot, they would completely ignore me, simply because we weren’t married, with one great exception.  I’ll tell about that soon.  There were so many things I could not do in Laurie’s stead, just because we weren’t married yet.  Thankfully, that is mostly over, though those damned HIPPA laws (or whatever their name is!) make it difficult sometimes, even now.  

The "great exception"….

When Laurie arrived in Texas, it was January 5, 2005.  It is documented in this diary what all had gone down before, during, and after that.  Needless to say, I was a total wreck.  She was supposed to be a "he"!  Well, the first day of her arrival, she overdosed on meds.  I didn’t witness it, so I was unaware of it until she collapsed in my "office" with red drool at the corners of her mouth.  That day, after I had figured out what happened, I asked myself two very important questions.  Could I live the rest of my life with Laurie?  I didn’t know the answer to that one.  BUT….Could I live the rest of my life WITHOUT My Mikey, whom I had come to know and love so much?  The answer was a simple "no".  That day, January 5, 2005, I told my mother that Laurie and I would most likely wind up married.  And here we are, five years later, still married!

It took me probably six to nine months to work out my incredible anger at Laurie, for having fooled me so well…and anger at myself for having "been so stupid" as to not see the truth.  Our first year was not really that happy.  I was upset that she was the "wrong" gender.  I was upset because I had had ZERO time to adjust to that fact before she tried to kill herself.  It was a horrible time, and I would NEVER relive it, if given the chance.  

What helped?  Putting myself in her place.  Eventually, I worked through my rage enough to start seeing things from her perspective, rather than my own.  She had risked EVERYTHING to come out to Texas, knowing full well that I had no interest in women.  She knew that there was every likelihood of being rejected, but she still came.  That was pretty darn brave, in my opinion.  It also proved to me that she really did love me.  Why come halfway across the country in those circumstances for someone you don’t really love?!!!!

As our marriage has progressed, I have found myself slipping back into my angry ways many times.  I try not to.  I really do try.  Sometimes, it is hard, though.  People urge me to "forget about that; it’s the past!"  Well, if I just forget about it before I’ve even learned to fully accept it, what good will that do?  I HAVE TO work this through, eventually.  I don’t want to be angry for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!

It’s crazy….in spite of all the bullshit we give each other, I have never, not once in my life, felt so close to another person.  I don’t know how we’ll ever solve the pill thing, but I know we will, sooner or later.  I think that without that, we don’t really have many serious problems.  We have the typical "You’re being an asshole" or "You’re being a bitch" times.  Nothing wrong with that, in the scheme of things.  We’re actually pretty used to that, and we deal it better as time goes by.  Our second most serious issue seems to be the disintegration of our bodies.  I have gained so much weight that my arthritis has become VERY aggravated by it, so it is painful and exhausting to move, most of the time.  Add that to the fact that Laurie’s condition is worse than mine, and what do you get?  Resentment…feeling like everything that happens has to be done by ME.  I need help, and I can’t’ get it!  In an ideal situation, this would be fine.  After all, from my OWN perspective, when you are married to someone, you SHOULD take care of them.  You SHOULD do everything you can for them.  The part where I get all tripped up is that I thought it would be reciprocated…..and yet, I married someone who becomes more and more of an invalid as time goes by, so she CAN’T help me, which makes me feel guilty as hell for resenting "having to do everything

myself."  

The only thing I can think of is to keep talking to God.  Maybe He will see fit to find a solution for these two problems. 

If it weren’t for those two issues, I think we’d pretty much have a perfect marriage, by now.  We’re USED TO each other now.  We’ve settled into truly knowing each other.  In that way, I think it was a blessing that we were both over 30 when we married.