Spoiled brat? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don’t know how much I’ve updated on the whole automobile situation on here.  Between Facebook and IMs and talking to people in person, I forget what I post and what I say directly to others sometimes.  

Here’s the deal:

My mother is looking into buying us a 1997 Ford Escort.  Last week, at the beginning of the week, she told my cousin, from whom she will be buying the car, that she could probably make the first payment Friday.  Naturally, because Mommy said so, I got all excited and expected it to happen that way.  I don’t know why I still react that way.  

Friday arrives.  Not a lot of communication with Mama that day, but when we DID talk, she asked me to check her bank balance for her.  I did, on the bank’s website, and texted her the balance.  It so happened she got one check in that day, as she expected.  Next thing I know, she texts back, asking if I’ve heard from Sherry, my cousin.  I got all excited again, thinking that the deal was about to go down and we’d FINALLY have a car again.  I replied that I had not, then texted Sherry and asked if I SHOULD have heard from her.  She didn’t know.  A few minutes later, Mama texted to say she was going to play bingo, which is an all-nighter when they do that.  

Well, I reacted badly.  Because I was all excited and hopeful, then my hopes were dashed, I got angry.  I posted something on Facebook about how if a person doesn’t intend to keep his word, he should keep his mouth shut.  I also said it included me.  

Needless to say, my big-mouth sister got in touch with me and bitched me out for posting that.  She had the nerve to tell me that EVERYONE who knew me knew who it was aimed at, even though I had not put anyone’s name in the status!!!!!  I told her my world didn’t revolve around her or Mama, and she hung up on me.  Fine, be a bitch!  See if I care!

Then tonight, while Mama and I were on the paper route, my brother sends me a message on Facebook saying he "heard through the grapevine" that I’d been "shitty towards Mama".  He hoped it wasn’t true, because she’d give anything for me. 

That made me mad all over again.  I have a very strong suspicion that the "grapevine" is my sister’s big mouth.  It seems like all she wants to do is cause trouble for her "stupid little brother".  This little brother is sick of it, too.  

There’s a marked double standard going on here.  If ANYONE besides Mama had said that to me (about the first payment being Friday) and then not lived up to it, both my brother and sister would have the attitude, "Fuck ’em.  They’re just liars!"  But because it’s Mama, I’m supposed to "understand" everything.  I understand alright.  I understand that my wife and I were given a car by my stupid bitch grandmother, who turned around and called the police on us EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS until I just gave the goddamned thing back.  I understand that it’s FINE to build MY hopes up and dash them down for anyone else’s convenience.  Mama said there’s not a lot she can do if Wayne, her husband, is around her all day long.  Well, shit, why doesn’t that argument work for ME when Laurie’s being bitchy about something?!!!!!!  Why is there such a difference?  

This all reminds me of my 16th birthday, which FURTHER pisses me off.  For MONTHS before my birthday, there was a ’65 GMC pickup truck sitting in our yard.  Mama and Wayne promised me that I’d get it for my 16th birthday, to accompany having a driver’s license.  First of all, nobody could be BOTHERED to take me down to get my license ON my birthday.  I had to wait a few days.  That may not seem too bad, but it really hurt my feelings that I seemed so goddamned unimportant to everybody.  THEN, to top it all off, soon as I got my license, they informed me that I could NOT have the truck, as promised.  It was "too dangerous for a 16 year old boy to have".  So they gave it to my older step-brother instead.  

You know what?  Fuck them.

I’m so goddamned TIRED of constantly being put on the back burner.  If this makes me a brat, then I’m a big fucking BRAT!  I’m hardly spoiled, though.  How could I be so spoiled when people overlook me all the time?

This is not a pity party.  This is a statement of hostility and bitterness from a very fed-up young man. 

I’m 35 years old.  It’s time to stop depending on other people, and that’s exactly what I’m about to do.  I am going to tell Mama nevermind about the car.  I don’t need her fucking charity, if it comes at the price of having my life censored by my siblings! 

I don’t have a clue how we’ll ever get another vehicle, and right now, I don’t really CARE.  I guess I’ll start WALKING to the grocery store, and just bring a cart home with me.  I don’t know what else to do!  Meanwhile, the very car my grandmother gave me (and then I was so FUCKING STUPID as to sell the one I already had!!!!!!) sits across the street, literally gathering dust.  

I hate my family, sometimes.  They don’t make any sense, and they don’t understand me.  So be it.

I don’t care!

O