Rambling again

Oh, I have a lot on my mind, but two main thought patterns to talk about, I think.  

Men.  What a complicated topic for this insane gay man who is married. 

I’ve been feeling really guilty lately, because I’ve been spending a LOT of time online looking up naughty images of men, in various means of activity, if you get my drift.  Gay men, mostly.  "Silver foxes" have been a recent passion of mine.  If you don’t know what that is, type that expression and maybe the word "gay" into Google, and it should tell you or show you.  Then type in "bad husband" and it should bring me up….not really, but it feels like it.  I’m married…I’m not SUPPOSED to have these damn dirty urges!

But I do have them.  I LOVE looking at men undressed.  And, at times, I get so man-hungry that I’m ALMOST attracted to just about any man I see.  There are exceptions, as there are with everybody.  I saw one image that really grossed me out.  This may sound hypocritical, since I’m a heavy guy myself, but this one (naked) man made my wife and me look positively anorexic!  It was so awful!!!!  I was thinking, "Is anyone actually INTO that?!!!"  But then, I often say the expression "You’re not my type" must have been invented for me, so….who am I to talk?

I’m a Christian man, and being a Christian, it really bothers me that I can’t seem to totally "forsake all others", in a way.  I do not cheat.  I have not been with a man since November 2003.  Sometimes I crave men so badly I can’t stand it, and I don’t know what to do about it!  My wife is very understanding.  She’s offered me chances to find a man to have fun with, that way.  I just can’t bring myself to do it, though.  Even the thought of finding a man who swings both ways and could be "fun" for both of us is more than I can do.  It’s fine in fantasy, but in reality, I don’t know that either of us could really cope.  There’d be jealousy.  I know there would be.  I’d be afraid my wife would decide she didn’t really need me, since I can’t provide some things she wants, and I’m sure she’d be afraid I’d just pack my shit and leave with the guy.  

I couldn’t leave like that.  But I can’t bring myself to actually actively SEARCH for someone to join us in the bedroom, either.  And yet….there’s always this eagerness to look at what I jokingly refer to as "manflesh".  And it’s ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!  Movies, TV, pictures, and certainly on the internet!!!!!!!

In one way, I just want to say, "Screw my morals" and do whatever I please.  I’m not that into actual sexual intercourse….I’ve always been more of the type to please a man orally.  Reciprocation has NEVER been necessary, because pleasing him pleases me.  I once described to a guy, when he asked if I swallowed…I said, "No way.  That’s not going in my mouth, but I’ll tell you what.  I won’t consider either of us satisfied until my face and your chest are a huge mix of spit and cum!"  Is that gross?  I try to be a reserved person, most of the time, but it’s so HARD to control myself when I’ve been with a man who sexually excited me.  I lose my mind!  In a way, I soooo want to lose my mind again.

In another way, I feel as if I totally gave up the right to "lose my mind again" when I got married.  It feels so unfair sometimes.  Why did God send me my wife, if He wasn’t going to somehow make my urges for men disappear?  Why am I STILL GAY?!!!!!  

It feels like God loves me, in spite of this monstrous inner turmoil.  He works in my life, and I don’t believe He would if He didn’t love me.  I guess it’s like I tell other people…."Ours is not to question why.  Ours is just to live and die!"

But if it WERE to question why….boy, would I have some serious questions for Him!

I worry that I’ll NEVER work this situation out.  If you believe in praying, please pray for me.  I don’t know what else to say.

Herman