What’s been troubling me lately…..

 I’ve been having trouble lately.  I’ve been finding myself wishing my grandmother was dead.  No homicidal impulses or anything, just wanting her out of my hair.  I know this is bad, and I hate it about myself, but it really doesn’t change anything.  I still find myself watching her slow, shuffling walk across the street and thining, "Fall, you old bitch!"  I hate this, but I almost hate the woman, too.  Twenty years of mental torture are the reason I almost hate her.  I keep telling myself what everyone else keeps saying….it’s not REALLY her…..she’s not responsible for her behavior anymore, because dementia has taken over her.  Doesn’t do much good, though.  I STILL find myself thinking it’d be nicer with her gone.

Pray for me, please.  I desperately need it.  As I said, I’m NOT homicidal or anything.  I do feel a little SUICIDAL from time to time, though.  My wife is keeping me in my place, though.  I get suicidal because I feel like I’m just a coward…..afraid of a little old lady.  What can she really do to me?  Call the police?  Big deal!  She’s BEEN doing that, and nothing comes of it.  So why am I still afraid?

I hate myself,

Jack