Blue Sunday

 

 

My Mikey, I love you

 

 

 

∞ • π³ + 1

 

  

I want things to change.  My Mikey is getting sicker and sicker, and he swears that nobody cares – what the hell am I?  I’m not a person?

We may be fostering our two older grandchildren.  To do that, we’ll have to fix this house,  and hopefully join it together as one house instead of a duplex.  That will take some doing, and I have no idea how to do it!!!!

At work, I keep getting down each morning.  I don’t handle rejection any better than anyone else does, so after about 50 "not interested"s, followed by slamming phones, I get really insecure and unhappy with myself.  I’m trying to start thinking of the people I call as not REALLY people…just as phones…that was Elisabeth’s suggestion.  Smart girl!

There are some guys at work that I like a little too much for my own comfort.  I am not going to do anything about it, but I swear, it’s almost like hero worship on contact, or something!!!  There is a guy named Donald, who is so gorgeous and energetic.  Then there are the three guys I call "The Spike Brothers"….kinda goth/punk types who are pierced, wear grunge-type clothing, and one wears a spiked dog collar.  When I asked Spike Collar Boy where he got the collar, he said he stole it.  I said to steal one for me, too.  🙂

Stacy has been taking me to and from work.  Since Elisabeth came home, Stacy has shifted back into best friend mode.  She’s been supportive and helpful, and she SEEMS genuinely interested in the welfare of our family.  I hope it lasts.

Lola is another story altogether.  She’s almost always in best friend mode, though sometimes she gets a little bitchy with us.  I can’t really complain about that.  I’m a big ole bitch, and I know it.  What I have a problem with is that it seems like she doesn’t understand that I am tired a great deal since I re-entered the workforce.  I’m so far OUT of the habit of any kind of regular schedule that it is wreaking havoc with my body.  I’m sleeping sporadic hours….worse than usual, I mean.  Then, I have my spouse being ill, on top of that.  I feel as if I’ll have to quit my just-got job to be able to look after my spouse.

And then the phone calls.  Constantly, Lola calls and DEMANDS that we answer or she’ll do this or that, one of the this’s was that she’d call the police for a welfare check.  Now…I appreciate that she loves us enough to want to know we’re okay, but why does she think we have to rush home from Stacy’s house, when our 15yo daughter just got here, loves to drive, and wants to explore the town a little?

I’ve always fought against being ruled by women.  I’m tired of the battle.  Been that way for a few years now, but I’m so close to the edge, because now there’s my sister, our friends, my wife, and my younger daughter all trying to boss me around.

I DO HAVE FEELINGS, GODDAMNIT!

I may not act like much of an adult sometimes, but I still AM one.  Give me some space, goddamnit.

I hate myself.

 

Jack

FUCK YOU ALL FOR WANTING US TO HATE OURSELVES.  IT’S NOT YOUR FUCKING PLACE TO TELL ANY ONE OF US HOW TO RUN THIS LIFE, WHICH, LAST I LOOKED, GOD GRANTED TO HERMAN, NOT ANYONE ELSE.  IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE WAY I LIVE, LOOK ELSEWHERE.  CAST THE MOTE OUT OF YOUR OWN EYE, OR HOWEVER IT IS SAID.  LEAVE ME BE, OR I WILL MAKE YOU LEAVE ME BE!!!!

THE MEAN ONE!!!!!!