I must be an awful person

I know I’m not a bed of roses to deal with…or if I am, there are plenty of very sharp thorns.  I didn’t know, though, that I was so bad that I should have no one to turn to most of the time. 

Right now, I’d give anything to have more access to my mother.  She IS alive, after all, and we get along, but Wayne hates me, so I don’t get to talk to Mama much, and I really fucking need her right now.

I’m new to the world of being parent to a teenager.  I can deal with that I can’t talk to Daddy, because he’s dead.  I can’t deal with that I can’t talk to Mama.  Why can’t I?  Because I was an asshole as a teenager?  That was more than 13 years ago!!!!!  Am I the ONLY person who ever has to forgive someone else?

There are things I don’t know how to deal with right now, involving Elisabeth AND my spouse.  Mama is married to a jerk, and sometimes Mikey can be one, so it’s nice to be able to learn coping techniques….but I can’t talk to her.

One develops the idea, with time and observation, that only the very worst people in the world can’t even talk to their own mothers.  Well, I guess that includes me.  I need my Mama.  I need to find out how to deal with some things that may not seem very big or important, but they are to me.  Doesn’t that count to anybody?

I want to run away.  I want to hide where nobody can find me, even though right now I feel like nobody would even bother to look for me, anyway.  If they did, though, I wouldn’t want them to find me.

I want to be dead.

I’m sorry.

Herman