Almost 32

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

 

It has been a while since I updated on a regular basis.  I hope it makes my readers feel better to know that I paid for another year of OD+, so I can still do chapters!  That shows my continued interest in OD, I hope.

Things have been going decently well, I suppose.  There are a LOT of troublesome issues, but I guess that’s just life.  That part of life is a pain, and I wish it would stop.  It, however,  doesn’t care what I wish, so….I can just cope.  I’m trying to do that.

I don’t know if I’ve said what’s up on the daughter front for a while.  Tiffany is probably losing custody of the kidlets.  I don’t want that, obviously.  Mikey and I have been checking into our rights, as grandparents.  I don’t know if we waited too long.  God, I hope not.  I’m afraid they’ll say that we can’t do anything because we waited so long.  This battle with CPS has been ongoing for two years….since before Naomi’s birth.  We’re just getting directly involved now because it seems Tiffany will lose the children if we don’t.  I always whole-heartedly believed she would not lose them. 

Let that be a warning to other grandparents out there….if your child is involved with any authoratative agency,  regarding your grandchildren, don’t be like us.  Get involved AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

I hate to think that my own ignorance and optimism might be one of the reasons we don’t get to have our grandchildren around us.

Tiffany has a boyfriend named Eddie.  Eddie keeps her level-headed.  He won’t let her shut down and kill her emotions (or her body, for that matter).  He more or less forces her to FEEL things.  He insists that she feel the sadness,  the anger, the everything,  and I am damned glad he does.  Tiffany is too much like Mikey that way….she’ll shut down and alienate herself, if left to her own mechanisms.  Not only will she alienate herself, but she’ll destroy herself, too.  Thanks to God for sending Eddie, because he won’t allow that to happen.  Eddie and I have one thing in common, apparently.  We both are relentless fighters for those we love.

Elisabeth is going through more rough times.  One of her best friends, Jessica, is now on Elisabeth’s bad list.  Ebbe (my nickname for Elisabeth) read me something that Jessica wrote her on MySpace last night.  It was a heart-felt note about how Jessica feels that Elisabeth mistreats her, but Jessica doesn’t want to let the friendship go.  From incidents I have overheard with my own ears, I tend to agree with Jessica on that note.

I hate to say it, but I told Elisabeth that I’m afraid she’s like her mother on that one….by her mother, this time I mean Mikey.  Mikey has this quality about him that comes across in totally the wrong way.  I’m not sure what he could do to change it, really, and I’m doubly unsure about Elisabeth.  I don’t know if she’s the same way, but it seems so.

Mikey can come across as a total bitch sometimes.  That seems cruel of me to say, but I’m not BEING cruel about it.  I’m being honest.

It’s the side that I call "Princess Mikey".  That is cruel of me, because "Princess Mikey" refers to a story Piers wrote once about a Princess named Mikey who had to get his way all the time, in every single situation, or he threw a wall-eyed hissy fit and made life for everyone else a total hell.

Now, that’s the way that Mikey can come across as a bitch, as mentioned before.  I don’t think he realizes he’s doing it, and I know it’s not what he’s REA

LLY like.  Likewise, it seems that maybe Elisabeth is the same way.

And I told her.

Then I got nauseated, literally.  I couldn’t believe I would tell my BABY that maybe she came across that way to others, sometimes.  I couldn’t believe that I might have crushed her feelings.  But I did say it, and I only said it for her own betterment.  That’s the only reason I’d EVER say a thing like that to my babies.

I didn’t upchuck, but I got depressed.  Majorly depressed.  I felt like the worst "father" in the world.  I really feel more like a mother, but you already know that, I guess.

After a little bit, I left a comment on her MySpace page, saying I hoped I hadn’t hurt her feelings, and that I am only looking out for her.  I signed it the way my mother always signs notes for me…..

"I love you more than you will ever know".

It fits, because I do.

I was thinking about my grandmothers last night.  With Granny’s death still pretty fresh on my heart, it changes the view of my remaining grandparents.  Now, I’m really afraid that I will lose them, and yet, I feel strangely calm about it, as if it would only be nature’s course and God’s plan if it happened.

I thought about Memaw last night, and I told Mikey I miss her.  He said he does, too.  Then I thought about Nanny.  At first, I didn’t think I missed her at all.  Then, I pictured her in my mind, and I realized that I DO miss her.  I would love to spend time with her, tell her I love her,  and have our visit be smooth and cheerful.  Each one that we have left.  As it is, I am afraid to contact her in any way.  As hateful as she has become, more often than not, I am afraid to talk to her, these days.

On Mother’s Day, I called Mama, and I got to talk to Memaw, who had a hard time identifying me, at first, but then told me, "I can just about see a picture of you in my mind."  That made me feel good.

Then I didn’t call Nanny.  I had planned on calling her.  I can’t even say why I didn’t, except fear that she’d put down my other loved ones, which, in this case, include my spouse, my mother, and my other grandmother.  I didn’t want to hear any of that, so, without even a conscious effort, I "forgot" to call Nanny.

At times like this, I don’t like myself very much.  No matter what the woman has done to me, she is still my grandmother.

I’m about typed out, for now.  I hope this has been enough of an update for the few who still read me.

Love and hugs,

Betty Louise

Oh yeah, my 32nd birthday is on Monday, May 21.

Elf