Biological Junkyard

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

 

I don’t know if any of you can fully understand what I’m going to be talking about in this entry.  Maybe one or two, besides my spouse, will know exactly what I mean.  No names.

Right now, as often is the case, I feel like a byproduct of a biological junkyard.  Here I am, a 39 year old woman stuck inside of a 31 year old man’s body, and I share it with people of both genders and varied ages…..it can be a little crazy-making, at times.

I don’t wish to change the gender of the body I’m in, really.  Or if I COULD, then I guess I’d make it completely neutral, neither male nor female, so it matched what we feel inside.

I have all the same instincts, thought patterns, feelings, and reactions as one would expect from a woman.  I realize this is stereotypical, but I was brought up primarily by women, and I have my own examples of how men behave and how women behave.  The problem with this, I’ve already stated.

I’m not a man.

Yet, being inside this 6’2" 258# body, people EXPECT male reactions to everything.  Or maybe they expect stereotypically male reactions.  Well, that’s not what they’ll get from me.

I’m a mother, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a daughter….everything that my internal brothers are, only I’m one of their female counterparts.  It can be complicated to express myself sometimes, because I am no different from anyone else in here, in this regard….I crave acceptance, love, and approval, too.

And I don’t get it, really, from anyone but my spouse and a few close friends.  This time, I can name names.  Lola, David and John, Amie, Connie…..these are really the only people on the outside of our immediate family situation that I have opened up to about things, and they accept me for whom I am.

Not so with my family.  Mama maybe, but my siblings don’t understand when I act "girly" or when I get overly emotional.  They don’t understand that I’m only expressing what I feel I SHOULD be able to express around people who say they love me the most in the world.

But do they?

Tiffany accepts me.  She knows I’m her mother.  Elisabeth probably doesn’t have a clue, but I have a feeling that even if she did, she’d just be a typical teen and poke fun at me for being like I am.  That would be ok, because I know she’d let me be myself, anyway.

It’s very confusing, sometimes, to be the dominant female in this body, while most of the others who run our daily life are male.  They have completely different attitudes and outlooks on many things, and people think I’m a hypocrite when I present a different side, because they don’t know I’m not the same person as my brothers, my sons, and my nephew!!!!!

I wish I knew what Jacky knows…..how to be confident.  I never knew, and I don’t know if I ever will.  Oh, don’t get me wrong…..if I know I’m absolutely in the right, I’ll fight to get my way, but it’s not because I believe in ME…it’s because I believe in whatever principle I’m defending.

So is there some magic key that can unlock my Confidence Parlor?  I can’t seem to budge that goddamned door by myself.  Is there some means by which I can learn to accept that nobody WILL understand what is going on in my head and heart, because THEY’RE NOT IN THEM?!!!!

Am I a product of a biological junkyard, just randomly slapped into this body because I wasn’t worthy of my own?

I don’t know.

I just know I’m here, and I matter….because God made me, too.  I feel that.&nb

sp; I believe that.

Much love to all,

Betty Louise