8:12am and I’ve already begun today

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

I still don’t know about this label…the gentle guy.  Oh well, that’s not the point of this entry.

It’s early morning, and I’m actually awake and functional.  I didn’t have much choice in that.  My legs prevented me from getting a nice night’s sleep.  They ached so badly I couldn’t sleep in our bed.  I got up and moved to the "coma chair" in the living room.  Still only fitful sleep, at best.  When I woke up, it was only 7am.  I had only gone to bed somewhere around 3am.

So I guess that means I got about the usual amount of sleep, even though I remember switching positions in the chair a number of times.

Since I woke up, and I had a little time by myself to start the day, I went up to Mama’s school to fetch our Bank of America check card.  As it happens, Mama already emptied the bank account, to keep from anything going wrong, so I wound up collecting the Chase check card instead.  I emptied the Chase account; again, to keep things safe, really.

So we’re caught up to a little over zero in the banks, for now.  I’d imagine it’s only a matter of time until someone tries to put through an automatic debit on Chase.

With what I withdrew from "my" account (Chase), I bought us some smokes (YES!!!!!).  The rest I am to save until My Mikey, Mama, and I have a chance to form a plan for how to work this months’ expenses.  We now have enough money (all in hands-on cash) to pay rent and maybe pay ON all our bills, if they’ll work with us.  If they won’t, then we’ll have to pick and choose bills again, which is awful, but it may have to be done.

I’m just happy that we headed off SOME trouble at the pass.  I had left My Mikey a note on my computer, saying where I had gone…in the event that he woke up while I was out.  It turns out he is still asleep.  I’m glad, actually.  That means he’ll wake up to hot water, ready for coffee-ing up, and to having cigarettes.

So today, I will be going to lunch at Nanny’s again.  Mama didn’t say so, but I think she has a plan, regarding the cash we each hold that belongs to My Mikey and me.  I think she’s going to show Nanny physically just exactly what amount of money we have.  That way, Nanny can think about the differences in all our incomes, because she’ll actually SEE ours.  Thinking doesn’t seem to do the trick.

I could be making all this up, though.  As I said, Mama didn’t mention that.

Last night, I went over to Nanny’s, to tell her that I don’t want to discuss my sister’s financial situation, nor any help she receives from Nanny, any longer.  I arrived ready for battle, but wouldn’t you know it…the sweet, doting grandmother greeted me.  In turn, I pissed her off and then we calmed each other down.  I hugged and kissed her (as I usually do) before I left, and I felt such an urge to tell her, "I hope you know how much I really love you, Nanny."  I didn’t say that, though.  I DID say I love her.  We always say that, except maybe if we’ve had one of our notorious knock-down drag-out fights.

I had entered angry, but I listened to Nanny.  Her reasonings on things made some sense, and I could feel the desperation within her, asking me please not to be angry with her.  And I couldn’t STAY angry.  It actually HAS occurred to me that perhaps I have no right to be angry in the first place.  After all, this is all based on sibling rivalry and jealousy, and those are two rather ugly concepts.

I made sure to tell Nanny CLEARLY that I did not want her to stop helping my sister.  What I wanted was for her to stop telling ME about it, when My Mikey and I are fighting to keep our heads above the water, and my sister is not.  It’s hard to feel sorry for my sis sometimes, because lots of her financial problems stem from her insane drive to "fix her credit".  One thing she did to accomplish that purpose was to give Mama her Suburban and buy a brand spanking new vehicle, which she intends to pay off fast and then trade in.  Now, in our situations, that seems like a really STUPID move, but it’s her life, not mine.

Underneath it all, I really am worried about my sister, and even moreso, her children.  I certainly don’t want anything bad to happen to my precious babies!  Sometimes I think I want to see my sister hurt, but then I remember a few things : a) She’s still my sister, and I still hate to hear/see her cry.  b) She’s the mother of my nephew Alex and my niece Juli, who love her more than anything in this world.  c) She

is my mother’s child, and I am not supposed to hurt my mother’s children.  d) My sister is probably only so hard-core as a result of a basically loveless marriage.

I can’t maintain a desire to harm someone I love so much.  I don’t WANT to maintain it, really.  I always back down, because I know I’m WRONG to want to hurt anyone.

Further into the night, last night, we went to John V’s house again.  That proved problematic, because of my state of mind.  Piers was out, and he was terribly irritable and bitchy.  At one point, John told Mikey that maybe he shouldn’t rely so heavily on his art gallery.  The way he said it, it could have been taken several ways.  Piers took it one of the wrong ways.  He thought John was telling Mikey that he was untalented, so don’t expect anything good as a result.  If I needed any proof of my allegiance to my spouse, I got it last night.  I would’ve sworn we HATED John at that moment.  Piers was busy calling him every name in the book inside our head.

As it wound up, we had Mikey bring us home.  We went to bed, but we told Mikey he could go back to John’s with our full blessings.  As Piers put it, "I don’t want to kill your fun, babe.  If you stay home, it’s because you want to kill your own fun!"

My Mikey went back down there, and I went to sleep, for a bit.  After about an hour and a half of my sleep and his visit, he called twice.  I finally woke up, and I text messaged John, asking for Mikey to call again.  He did.

We have found a possibility for a place to stay, should this one peter out.  John and family have a guest house that they’re willing to let us fix up and live in.  Apparently, it’s structurally sound and all.  What we’d have to do is clean it up and redecorate it to John’s specifications, then live there and keep it neat.  I guess I could live with that.  After all, it’s his place.

So…..that leads us to now.  Now, I’m just sitting here, waiting to see what will happen next.  It’s 8:37am, and I’m hoping this entry hasn’t timed out.  What I’ll do is copy it all BEFORE I hit submit.  That way, I should have it, should OD lose it!

I smart fellow!

Love to all, and thank yous to Harpo, Persona, David and John, and to Mangocitrus for all the continual support and love you share with us.

Jack