Jesus lives – for the moment, so do we

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

My life is worth the living

Just because He lives"

If ever I needed this song, it is now.  I’m really good at praising God when things are great, and I rely on Him no matter what else is going on, yet I fear that I don’t offer up enough praise, even when things are BAD.

They could be much much worse, and I know they could.

I went to visit Memaw a while ago – by myself again.  I don’t know what is going on with that.  I wonder if Mikey is losing interest in life or something, because he sure doesn’t ever seem to want to get up and get out anymore.  To me, it’s very important that we just keep moving….errrr, exercising, rather.

Memaw is doing neither well, nor unwell.  I must say, though, that it is much easier for her to smile again, lately.  I guess one of her medications WAS making her depressed.  I don’t agree with the nurses, however, that depression was what is causing her to deteriorate.  I’m sure it was agging it on, but it wasn’t solely responsible.  After all, Memaw has Alzheimer’s.

I don’t like admitting to weaknesses any more than most people do.  That statement might seem surprising, since I write about my weaknesses all the time in here.  Well, that’s easy to explain.  Writing about it is MUCH easier than admitting it out loud.  My POINT….

I am afraid to visit people by myself.  If it’s not one reason, then it’s another.  With Memaw, in particular, I don’t like going alone, because I feel like I irritate or annoy Memaw, and when I try to help, I don’t do it right.

Of course, Mama’s too busy letting Wayne rule her goddamned life, and the others don’t see her often, for whatever reasons they have…I don’t care what they are.  I suppose I shouldn’t be so harsh, because I didn’t go see Papaw all that often, either.

I wish Mama would be more like I am, in this regard.  I WANT Mikey to approve of my plans and join in – go with me to visit and such – but I won’t let his non-participation stop me.  I won’t let ANYTHING stop me unless I deem it worthy enough TO stop me.

My stomach has been acting up something fierce lately.  I still get up and go visit my grandmother.  I need to.  For her as well as for me.

I don’t like myself, honestly.  I think that’s been pointed out fairly clearly and fairly often in here.  I am a very flawed individual, and I don’t believe in myself very much.  All I want is validation, really.  I need NEED to hear someone tell me it’s ok, that I’m doing something right.  I need for someone to let me know (OFTEN) that I am NOT fighting my battles alone.  I need to hear how much people love me.  I try to tell people how much I love them, too.

Am I asking too much, as usual?

I hope not.

Much love to all,

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Elizabeth Louise