I think I was really born in 1959

 

Too bad I’ve seen proof that I was born in 1975. I feel so OUT of touch with people of my own age, for the most part. I’m sitting here, listening to Loretta Lynn, for example. If I’d been born in 59, I’d have only been one year old when she had her first hit. That would be more like it! I’ve loved this woman all my damned life, anyway!!!!!

I know…..this entry is pretty silly. I just don’t feel like I’m facing my 31st birthday. No, more like I’m edging on to my 50th. And I’d LIKE it!!!!!! Maybe that’s the weirdest part!!!!!! Inwardly, I’m 46, about to be 47. How? I don’t know. Plenty of us inside are older than the body, and we have absolutely no explanation for it. It may be unusual, for all we know, but it’s the way it is. The nicest of us is Barbara, and she’s a 63-year-old woman. We’re set up as a family system in here. Barbara is my older sister. She is, in many ways, an idealized version of Mama. I mean the body’s mother, Sue. Let me run you a list of whom we seem to be based upon and our relations to one another.

Thelma Louise – The big, old Momma of the body. Thelma will turn 104 this year. She is the undisputed matriarch of this body, and she is my internal mother. Thelma is based on all the older women we’ve ever known combined.

Barbara Jean – Barbara is an internalized and idealized version of Mama within me. She is quite older than I am, which may be because she’s based on Mama….not sure.

Piers – Piers, as you may know already, is a very dramatic, somewhat unhappy man. He is 48 years old, at the moment, soon to turn 49….and I’m jealous that he’ll be 50 before I will be!!!!! He has been very disputed in our lifetime. People often have disliked him and rejected him, and it has turned him somewhat bitter and sometimes hateful. He seems to be an internalized, male version of Nanny.

William “Bill” – Bill is the quietest member of the body, perhaps. He is one year younger than Piers, which makes him one year older than I. He is mild, easy-going, and decent to be around…..not overly interesting, but he’s ok and he’s nice. I don’t know upon whom he may be based.

Jack Layne, Jr. – This is I. I am like some magical mixture of everybody inside. I am 46 years old, soon to be 47. I am the most versatile, in many ways….I feel more range of emotion than anyone within, I experience and deal with more situations than most others within, and I am the closest to being the “core personality” of this body, even though I am not. I am the internal parent of Jacky.

Elizabeth Louise “Betty” or “Elf” – Betty is 38 years old. She is the “Mama Lioness” of the body. She feels as if she is EVERYONE’s mother. I mean everyone in the WORLD, not just in this body. Betty has a fiery temper, and she is prone to be rude at the drop of a hat, when she feels she or someone she loves has been violated. She always jokes that if you “fuck with [her] cubs, [she]’ll rip you to shreds”. That’s pretty accurate, actually. Betty Louise is the internal parent of Oscar and Louis. She is FIERCELY protective of her babies, too!!!!! She seems to be an internalized, idealized version of our sister, Mary Helen.

Herman Fredrick “Hermy” – This is our “core”. He is 30 years old, soon to be 31. That is the body’s age. Hermy is the clown of the body. That is always our inner urging….to find the funny part of a situation….except Piers. Piers is drawn to drama and tragedy. Hermy insists that there is a bright side to EVERYTHING. This seems unrealistic to us, most times, so we don’t let him deal with things so often. He seems to be the peppy side of mania embodied in a personna, if you will.

Jacky – Jacky is my 20-year-old internal son. He is vain, egotistical, and impossible to bring down. He’s usually pretty nice, I guess, but just hope you don’t say anything offensive to him, or he will rip you down to what he considers a “suitable level”. One of his favorite sayings is, “This suffering shit is for the birds, man!!!!!” He likes to have fun and be the life of the party. Typical ex-teen! LOL Oh, he’s also a big flirt….just in case you ever have opportunity to talk with him, you should know that ahead of time.

Oscar – Oscar is Betty’s teenage son. He has had a really rough lot in life. He’s the one who seems to hold almost ALL the hostility toward Mama. It’s too difficult to explain here, but he feels that Mama abandoned him for Daddy, then for Wayne, and he is still VERY angry and hostile about it. Otherwise, when he’s not dwelling on that, he’s learning to become a more pleasant and fun person to be around.

Louis – Louis is Betty’s “baby boy”. He’s approximately 7 or 8 years old. Nobody can determine exactly what age Louis is, and he won’t tell. A lot of times, Louis is the one who comes out in scary situations. He seems to be triggered by fear. That is confusing to us, sometimes, though when I think about it….I think Louis is, possibly, the bravest, strongest one of us all. He has a unique view of things, and a sense of humor that can kill! He’ll crack a killer joke in the most deadpan way, and you’ll just about fall out of your chair laughing!!!! He seems to have a firmer grasp on how to get along with other people than we adults do, and I admire the hell out of this particular little boy.

So this is us….the ten of us, as we are. At least, as we are, from my perspective. Don’t know why I felt it necessary to write it out again, but maybe someone will learn something they didn’t know? Hope so.

My Mikey, I love you forever times PI cubed plus one,

Your Jack