Disturbed, am I, said the little gay man

Ok, I’m hardly little. 6’2″ and – let’s just say I’m over 200 pounds, ok? No more details are necessary, and if you want more, too damned bad!

The last few days, I have run out of ideas of what to do online, so I’ve just been looking at myspace, reading diaries, and looking at local guys on Yahoo Profiles. I think that last thing bothers My Mikey, because of something I confessed to him the other night.

Sometimes, I am a bit overwhelmed by our situation. I mean, here I am a gay man….I don’t WANNA be gay right now, because I’m married to a gay man trapped in a woman’s body….and there is no – how you say des gently? – no…ummmm…well, sometimes I want a male body. That specific enough? I don’t think it bothers either of us in particular when I look at nameless, faceless strangers online. That, we both do, and neither of us judges on it. It’s a fairly MALE behavior, don’t you think?

What bothers me is when I DO put a name and/or face to it. When my fantasies include people I COULD reach or do actually know. THAT bothers me. I’m disturbed by it. I have no desire to committ adultery….I don’t know WHAT it is. I mean, I remember what they told me in Sunday School as a child. If you’ve lusted and committed adultery in your heart, you’ve actually committed the sin. In that case, I’m one dirty young man.

I keep saying, “I’m gonna burn in hell!”, kind of as a joke, but I honestly wonder. I’m not in this life to get rewarded for things, but likewise, who wants to burn in hell?!!!!

None of this is a slight to My Mikey. Well, ok, it’s an unintentional slight. Of COURSE it’s a slight when your husband thinks of someone besides you in a sexual manner! Duh, Jack! I don’t love him any less. To the contrary, the fact that he loves me so much as to forgive my stupid thoughts, careless words, and rude actions, such as the gas I just passed rather loudly make me love and cherish him even more.

Does any other married person have this particular problem, or AM I just totally disturbed (mentally, I mean)?

My Mikey, I love you forever times PI cubed plus one,

Your Jack