Yes, the record shows

That I am not getting any better at all.  In fact, it shows that I’m going DOWNHILL instead of uphill.  It’s to the point where I want to die every day again.  I don’t care about my life anymore.  Nobody understands me, and Garrit never ever wants to come out anymore.  I can’t say that I blame him.  I wouldn’t want me as a mate, either.

I’m so fucking depressed, which usually makes me hostile, but I’m too exhausted to be hostile now.  Emotionally exhausted, this time, not physically.  I don’t care to be anything – happy, sad, manic, depressed, alive, dead.  I don’t care anymore.

Nobody understands what insane pressure it is not to be able to function in a public setting.  The doctors are concerned about getting my depression dealt with first and foremost.  Well, that’s fucking great.  The deaf/blind fuckers won’t listen when I tell them that the real root of my goddamned depression is directly linked to my not being able to function in society.  I have panic attacks from being around people, so I can’t tolerate being in public places.  Nobody understands that, not even Mikey, and it hurts.  Goddamn, it hurts to feel so fucking ALONE in this battle.  Lola wants to go to the doctor with me, to offer her observations about the effects my Social Anxiety Disorder (fittingly, the initials spell out SAD) has on me.

Fucking wuss that I am, I’m crying now.

I hate myself, and I want to drop dead.  I HATE with such fucking passion that I can’t die.  I won’t kill myself, and I can’t just WILL MYSELF dead.  It doesn’t work.  I know, because I spent 20 years trying before.  I can’t face life anymore, but I can’t NOT face it!!!!!  WHAT CAN I DO?!!!!!!

I don’t want Mikey to see me crying.  I have a reputation to uphold.  I’m supposed to be coldhearted and have no feelings, according to what people expect.  But I DO have feelings, and I hurt them my-goddamn-self by not living up to my own standards.  Our life is in a shambles, and it’s all because I’m not brave enough to face people.  All the lecturing I do about facing up to things, and I can’t face up to SHIT!

And nobody understands.

I’m sorry.

Piers