Pensive

Boy, what a ball of emotions I have become lately!

Every time anyone mentions lawyers, CPS, or the possibility of children being adopted out, the bitch in me flares up big-time! It really seems impossible to me that they all expect us to do so much in so little time. Our grandchildren are at stake, and I’m furious that this situation is as it is. I don’t understand what’s going on, and why no one will send us a simple few pieces of paper to explain themselves. As I understand it, Tiffany has a little less than three weeks to come to Texas, get a job, fix up the house to CPS satisfaction, and then go back to Cali for a hearing, amend one of her statements, get the children, and come back to Texas. In THREE WEEKS?!!!! How the fuck are we supposed to do that?

I don’t give a good goddamn what they say, we’ll get it done! These idiots are NOT taking my family from me, and that’s all there is to it!!!!!! They can fuck themselves and the horses they rode in on! They are not going to rip our family apart, and if they succeed in doing more damage, I will have to restrain myself to keep from going straight to hell. I want to hurt someone, and quite badly, might I add! Nobody has the right to steal what’s mine, and I’ve let enough things go in my life; they’re not getting my grandchildren, too!!!!!

Great, now I’m crying.

I want so badly to be the big hero, and I feel so useless sometimes. I will do what it takes, somehow. I have no CLUE how, but has that ever stopped me before? HELL FUCKING NO!!!! How come I feel like if this were my sister in this situation, my parents could have handled it so much better? Why do I always feel so lacking, compared to them?

I’m begging God to let us keep our family together. He has been good to me, and I know everything will work out for the best, no matter if WE see it as the best or not. If we can’t have the children back (just this thought makes my heart feel like it’s ripped in two now), perhaps we can get them at a later date. They don’t HAVE to adopt them out!!!! Can’t they see that?!!!! I don’t like the idea of foster care, but it’s better than taking our grandchildren from us!!!! I’ve always wanted to be the big matriarch, too, and here is the chance, slipping from my hands. I refuse to have butterfingers this time, goddamnit! REFUSE, YOU UNDERSTAND?!!!!! I will NOT be the bumbling boob who fucks it all up this time!!!!!! GIVE US OUR BABIES, YOU SADISTIC SONSOFBITCHES!!!!!!

What gets me is that some of these workers in charge don’t even have children. How can they understand the trauma of losing a family IF THEY DON’T FUCKING EVEN WANT ONE THEMSELVES?!!!!!! I WANT BLOOD, AND A LOT OF IT, YOU NASTY FUCKERS!!!! GIVE US OUR BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!