Morning again
My Mikey is still sleeping. I left Yahoo on last night on a new id that I established just for him. I turned the ringer off on the phone, and left Yahoo messenger on so that My Mikey could buzz me if he needed me in the night. This morning, I added my mother (the outward one….Sue) to my buddy list, in case of family emergencies and some such.
I’ve left a friend another note on here. He is having a lot of difficulty with finding “his place”, it seems, and I relate to that….very much so. Here I am, ready to turn 30 (well, the body is) and still fighting to find my place in the world. I’m a good singer – nothing spectacular, but enough to please some people’s ears. I keep hoping I’ll work up the chutzpah to do something with my music.
Isn’t it funny? Here I have an inferiority complex from Hell and some seem to think I think I’m better than everyone else. What a paradox, and I love a good paradox, you know? I’ve always felt that I didn’t “measure up” to anybody or anything. Also, until this past year, I felt like nobody truly would stand by my side except me, so in an effort to protect myself and keep myself safe, I have given off the wrong impression many times. I am certainly no better than anyone else! I am learning, though, that I am not always WORSE than anyone else, either. That’s a staggering thought!!!!
Today is my mother’s anniversary. Happy Anniversary, Mama and Wayne. They’ve been married for 14 years now. The surprise of yet another anniversary left me a long time ago. I used to think Wayne wouldn’t stay married to Mama but a few years, then he’d get tired and move on, which would make him stupid, because in my estimation, there is no better wife for a man than my mother!!!!! What she lacks in some areas, she totally makes up for in others. For instance, I think she’s very pretty, but I have to be honest with myself and say that maybe everyone would not agree. Whatever deficiencies anyone may see in her looks….I don’t like saying this…it makes me sad and angry, as if I’m insulting Mama….those deficiencies are more than made up for by her sweet, gentle nature and her persistent loyalty. That seems redundant, but think about it. Many people are loyal to a point. Not Mama. She never gives up on anyone……I guess she passed that to her older son….me. I admire and respect my mother greatly. I wish I could be more like her, in some ways. That blind optimism of hers can so annoy me sometimes, but I have to admit, I’d like to have it, too. I’ve always been what I would term a “Pessimistic Optimist”. A fatalist. Realist. Something. I HOPE for things to improve, but I don’t always put much stock into that hope. This is where My Mikey helps me stay grounded, too. Despite all the things that have happened to him, he always manages to keep living, with a cheerful outlook and hope in his beautiful heart.
Folks, I am so blessed to have My Mikey in my life, as my partner (husband!!!!). Since I was about 16 or 17, I guess, I looked for my own Mr. Right. By the age of 28, I was ready to give up. I guess I DID give up. Then, a lovely, loving friend named Peter became more than my friend. For 1 1/2 years, I had known Peter (aka My Mikey and a few other names). He and I always shared a close connection, and I dreamed that we might be right for each other….never giving any credence whatsoever to those dreams. I finally told him what I felt, and we have been together since. December 9 made one year. One wonderful, blessed year. The happiest year of my life. Oh, we’ve had our share of fights and drama, but what couple wouldn’t? He gives me constant inspiration to change and better myself. It’s for us, yet to some degree for him and for me, separately. My Mikey. I call him that because he always felt like nobody really wanted him, and I want him more every day.
My Mikey is calling, so I’ll hang this entry up for now. I’ll write more later! You know I will!
My Mikey, I love you forever times PI cubed plus one,
Your Jack