For My Mikey to understand about Matt

PROVE IT, HERMY……

Yesterday, I was looking up Linda Blair on IMDB.COM (Internet Movie DataBase).  I am not sure what it was that possessed me, but I wanted to see if they showed a movie that was made in Corsicana, my hometown, in 1990.  I looked up David Blessing, because I thought he was the director.  I was slightly wrong.  He helped WRITE it, but a cousin of one of my cousins co-wrote and directed it.  Oh, btw, the imdb had it.  It’s called The Dreaded.

Among the cast members was my first male love, Matt Richards.  Mikey said he wanted to see it after I read a review to him.  He said he wanted to see if the acting was as bad as the reviewer said it was.  I jokingly said, “Don’t lie!  You want to check out what you think is the competition.  You wanna see Matt!!!”

He admitted that that WAS the reason he wanted to see it.  He said he has a little jealousy thing going on.  What a switch that is!!!!

So I decided to write about Matt, for My Mikey to understand, hopefully.

I fell in love with Matt in 1986, when I was but a wee beastie of 11 years old.  The funny thing is, I thought he was a girl the first  time I saw him. He was in my P.E. class, or maybe he was in Tennis while I was in P.E.  Oh well.  Such for memory, eh?

Matt was the prettiest person I had ever seen in my life, up to that point.  Imagine my surprise when this person I had thought was a girl wound up in the boys’ locker room!!!  He and I were both too shy to change in front of the others.  I watched him (truly, it wasn’t naughty…well, maybe a little) as he removed all but his underwear and washed up with a rag at a sink.  Crazy thing was, that was the same thing I did!

I never got the guts to talk to him that year.  I would watch him every day in the locker room, and I marvelled at why anyone, such as the more macho guys, would make fun of him.  He seemed so sweet and innocent, and he was so damned pretty, in my eyes.

About a year later, my sister, MH, went on a UIL trip with her school.  I was, by this time, in the seventh grade.  That meant that Matt had moved on to a different school, as 8th graders went to a school by themselves back then.  Somehow, I found out that Matt would be on that trip, and I asked my sister to talk to him and see if he knew who I was and what he thought of me.  When she came back, she told me that she did ask, and he said he knew me and I was pretty cool.  Imagine how a 12-year-old’s heart leaps when the one he adores says that of him.

I finally worked up the balls to meet Matt, honestly get to know him, when I was in the 10th grade and he was in the 11th.  In between times, I quietly observed him on any occasion I could.  In 1990, ironically, the same year that The Dreaded was made, I heard about a musical that the Drama department was putting on.  I found out that Matt was going to be in it, as I knew he was involved with Drama….hehe, pardon that pun!  That’s the only real reason I wanted to be in Lil Abner…because Matt was in it.  I never dreamed it would basically start me on a path to a career in entertaining, though I wanted to be a singer, even then.

During that musical, I found out that Matt could sing.  Oh, how I loved hearing his voice.  I thought he had the most beautiful voice I had ever heard.  Little did I know what the future held!!!

Thoughout the next two years, Matt and I grew closer, or at least  it seemed to me that we did.  Sometimes I wonder, because I was hip to some things I don’t think he knew I knew.   For instance, when I would call him at home and play a new song for him, sometimes he’d put the phone down and do other things while it played.  He’d come back in the middle of it and say “Hello?”; when he heard that it was still playing, he’d leave the phone again.  I have no clue why I never called him on that.  Why did I keep playing things when I knew he really wasn’t interested in hearing them?!!!  The crowning achievement, however, was after it finally DID end….he’d usually compliment me .  I knew, the whole goddamned time, that he hadn’t heard MOST of it!!!!

But together, in person, it seemed like our friendship was growing.  I even think that at one point, maybe he started falling for me, but that could be self-flattery.  We would sit and talk for what seemed forever, and sometimes we’d sing together, which I loved.  He complimented my voice; always telling me that I was a better singer than he, with which I disagreed.  I don’t know what I think of that particular one right now.  Maybe NOW I’m better?

So High School ended in 1992, and I saw Matt graduate, which really broke my heart, because that meant I wouldn’t see him every day anymore.  I still went by his house sometimes, though we NEVER hung out there.  He never seemed to be home, which now makes me wonder if he was merely avoiding me.  His delightful mother, Cheryl, was always there, though, and she was so nice to me.  She always had a smile and a cheery tone to her voice, and it could sap the heartbreak out of a situation to be greeted by her.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I knew Matt was gay, even in 1990.  I was a pretty naughty boy by then, and I left flirtatious (sometimes raunchy) messages on the bathroom walls at the park.  Well, in the midst of doing that, I saw some that Matt himself had written.  That’s actually how I learned his first name, which is Jim.  I knew his handwriting, but even if I hadn’t, I knew his phone number, and it was there, asking for “suck buddies”.

Well, that bothered me to some degree, but how could I really criticize….after all, wasn’t I there, too?

Now, on to 1992 again…..

One month after graduation, I received some really awful news.  My Aunt Trisha had been friends with Cheryl Richards for years, and she called me on June 28, I believe it was, and told me that Cheryl had been killed in a car accident.  Seeing as how my own father had been killed the same way in 1989, I immediately wanted to talk to Matt.  Of course, he was too busy, or so I assumed, so I didn’t call.  I went to the funeral, though.  That lady must have had a million friends!!!  They gave the funeral at Northside Baptist Church, which is a large church, and it was PACKED.  I had to stand in the Fellowship Hall and watch the funeral on a tv screen.  I was reassured that Cheryl was so well-loved.  It was a very touching time, and I cried so much for her loss, though I truly did not know her very well….but what I DID know of her is a treasured memory.  I see her in my head right now.  Her smile shining at me.  Her cheerful voice telling me she SURE WILL tell Matt I called or came by.  She always emphasized the “sure will”.

I longed for him so much the next year.  All year long, I schemed ways to keep in touch.  As it wound up, perhaps I shouldn’t have.  He was far more distant with me after he graduated, and then the death of his mother, too.

I finally got to spend time with him again the next year, when I w

ent to Navarro College, which Matt later dubbed Navarro High School.  In between my graduation and going to college, I had been dragged out of the closet, so everyone knew I was gay.  After that, I trumpeted it.  I didn’t care what ANYONE said about it.  It was “I’m here.  I’m queer.  If you don’t like it, go fuck yourself!!!!”

Soooooo….

When I was in college, everyone in our shared class of Choir knew that I was in love with Matt.  At one point, Matt and I were seated next to each other in choir, just as we had been in high school.  This time, Pat Matous and a few others I knew then gave me high fives and “You GO boy!”s.

The turning point came when we were preparing for Fall Capers, which was a song and dance variety show the Choir, Drill Team, and Cheerleaders put on every year.  I was fed up with the mixed signals I got from Matt, and I was very frustrated about not feeling free to speak to him directly about my feelings for him.  So what did I do?  Something petty and childish.  I pulled my friend Kyla off to the side at rehearsals, and I told her, quite bitterly, that I was in love with Matt, but he was in love with Jeff Bailey.  I was no idiot, in one way….I KNEW Kyla would spread it around, even though I extracted her word that she would not.   That was the reason I chose to tell her.

The next day, as soon as I walked into class, Matt jumped up and came my way.  He grabbed me by the arm and forcefully said, “We need to talk!”  I was never so scared as that day.  I knew I had fucked up bigtime, but it was too late to back out.  We went into the director’s office, which Matt must have asked about before I got there, because we wound up talking beyond the class period. 

This is when I let it all out.  This is also the day that ALL hope of a relationship with Matt faded.  I knew I had messed up too much to take it back.  Matt and I continued to be somewhat friendly after that, but it was never the same.  I can’t say that I blame him for not wanting to be around me so much, but I was deeply touched at our Christmas party, when they handed out “awards”.  They were sarcastic, but it was fun.  Matt stood up before everyone there, and he called MY name!  OMG!!!!  I received the “Is it Herman or is it Memorex?” award, which I found deliciously funny.  The man I loved presented it to me, which seemed to indicate a certain level of forgiveness.  Maybe?

Also, I think at Halloween, I really got  to him, be it good or bad.  They had a karaoke room, for us to record songs, so I ventured in and selected a song.  Well, the song I chose was geared for Matt, who just HAPPENED to be running things in that room.  “I Will Always Love You”.  The first time I tried to record it, the tape broke, so I wound up singing it directly to Matt with it NOT recording what might have been one of my best performances to that date.  After that, he left the room, and they put in a new tape.  I recorded it this time, but it was not as good.  Besides, the man it was for was not there that time.  He had left the room.

Shortly afterwards, he left my life.  I have not spoken to him since 1995.  I’ve tried to, but I never made contact.

Now I see that it all worked out for the best.  I have My Mikey.  He is a far better man than Matt ever was.

Funny thing is, when My Mikey and I talked about his jealousy, I couldn’t help but think that if those two ever met, Mikey could lord it over Matt that he had me, and I bet Matt’s reaction would border on saying, “SO!!!!!”

I’m not much to be proud of, yet My Mikey finds reasons.  Every day, he assures me of his love.  He is the first man who ever told me he is proud of me.  He is the first man ever to love me for me.  He is the first and last for me.  My Mikey, for whom my personal world turns, is the one I am spending forever with.  He is so afraid I won’t want him someday.  He just doesn’t realize yet that I’m a lifer.  I never gave up on Matt…he gave up on me.  If Matt were to tell me today that he is deeply, madly in love with me, I would only have one response, which My Mikey knows well….

“I’m a married man!  Do you see this ring?  DO YOU SEE THIS RING?!!!!”

My Key, My Mikey, I love you forever times pi cubed plus one,

Your Jack

Your Hermy

Herman Fredrick Forstmann, Jr.