Morning tears

The 23rd Psalm
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil : for thou ART with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me. Thou preparest a table for me in the presence of of mine enemies : thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

I just read the latest entry in Mikey’s diary, and I posted the 23rd Psalm as a note. It helps me to say/read this particular passage in times when things seem too hard.

Baby, if you can’t accept that there is a God in Heaven, that’s fine, of course. Take this and apply it to me, if you can. I AM with you. I will comfort you. Goodness and mercy will follow us forever, and we will find happiness in our Mandalay together.

For those who wonder what it is like to be a gay Christian, I don’t really know how to explain anything about it. It is no different from being a “regular” Christian, in my mind. I do not find my homosexuality to be a sin, as I’ve battled myself long and hard in the past about it. God works in my life, and He would not do that if I were an abomination, would He?

It is difficult that my baby longs to reach out and believe, yet his life has been so hard on him that he has trouble believing in anything, much less himself. I believe in My Sweet Peter Henry. As a friend of mine says, whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you.

My job on this planet is not to condemn people. Love doesn’t do that, and, though I realize I am quite far from being perfect, I like to think I was put here to operate out of love and compassion. To me, love means acceptance.

About Peter’s past :

At the time we met, he told me Jeff (the oft-mentioned ex of his diary) was dead. He had told me Jeff was bipolar and had killed himself. He also told me he, Peter, had cancer. Anyone reading his diary knows about the cancer story already.

In a short time, my lovely friend-at-the-time Peter opened up and told me that Jeff was NOT dead. Jeff was also not diagnosed as bipolar. Peter was, at that point. We did not find out about the DID/MPD until later.

Also shortly, he found the courage (which he always does and does beautifully) to tell me about his life as a gay prostitute. At that moment, he had run away from Jeff. He wound up in a series of homes and mental institutions within the first few months I knew him. Oddly enough, I was going through the same thing at the same time. We would finally feel somewhat comfortable somewhere, and then something would blow our security to hell and back, and we’d have to move again.

We had only been friends a few months, I guess, when he ran from someone who was coming to be part of his life romantically. I remember quite clearly while WE waited for the bus to arrive. He called me, and Peter was so full of fear that C would reject him. His fear was so strong that he wound up running from C, who now happens to be a close friend of ours, by the way.

My precious Peter lived from place to place, sometimes sleeping in his car. I just found out a few days ago that during this time, which was early in 2003, he would call the place I was staying in and ask for me. Diana, an old friend I was living with at that time, never gave me the messages. Mikey, it turns out, was the one calling, and he planned to ask me if he could come to me. Had I known, we could have spared my precious baby a lot of pain and an HIV+ status. He would have had a home, even if he was not ready to share life with me as we share it now. I would have been there for my friend. I always loved him, and I always will.

After a while, he gave up. He went back “home” to Jeff. This is really painful for me to write, because it is a very emotional subject for me. Jeff was his “registered partner” as well as his manager. Their union has been dissolved, much to my relief. Jeff put him back to work on what they called the “party circuit”. To Mikey, who actually had to suffer through the years as a prostitute, that meant that he was on his way out. He knew of Jeff’s AIDS status. Jeff is full blown – dying now. I suspect that since Mikey “knew” he was on his way out of things, he decided it really didn’t matter whether he was negative or positive anymore. After all, in his mind, he may as well have been dying himself. How I WISH I could have known what he went through then. This was during the time when we were out of close, personal touch. We sent each other occasional e-mails, but nothing personal. I stil wonder why that was.

Mikey finally found the strength to break away from Jeff in mid-2003. That’s when he stumbled upon Jorge. We reconnected in October, when I moved to Waco again. He told me about Jorge, and I pretended to be happy. Well, that’s hard to say. I WAS happy for him, but I was jealous as hell, too. He seemed so in love with Jorge, which I am sure he was, and I do not have a problem with that. One cannot help whom he falls in love with, after all. It either happens or it doesn’t.

Everything was decent until December 8, 2003. That was, to my knowledge, the date he and Jorge broke up.

After knowing and loving this beautiful soul for a year and a half, I was devastated by his reaction to losing Jorge. I could no longer hold myself back, and I wrote a letter to PeterLove, telling him that I had always and WILL always love and cherish him. If I had a chance to hold him as they had had the chance, I would never EVER let go. All the time I had known Peter, I had admired and respected his courage and the dignity with which he handles everything that he goes through. He thinks he acts like a baby many times. We all have moments in which our strength saps away and we are left with only tears and fears. Those moments never last long with my beautiful husband. Even if they did, though, I have pledged my life – ALL OF IT – to him and to keeping him happy, healthy, and satisfied.

We are approaching our 7-month anniversary now. July 9 will be our anniversary. For seven wonderful months, I have focused my life around this beautiful man. We had a period apart, but I don’t count it against us, because we were still in daily contact, and we both still carried our love for one another, even though we both made big mistakes in dealing with what was happening. Mikey, if you’re reading this….I know you were only gone haywire from the HIV results, along with some other things about ME. I know you were trying to “protect” me. Please, please, PLEASE – never try to protect me. People often destroy what they try to protect, as I had started doing with you, as well. I am a strong man, and I can handle things, in the long run. The panic attacks never last for long, and I am seeking a doctor’s care for them as soon as possible. The stomach thing – it will be remedied, baby. It is NOT stomach cancer, and I feel that deeply inside of me. We have already discussed what it more-than-likely is. Now, let’s sit back and focus on US and getting us together, face to face, baby.

I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, and I’m honored that I am the one you have chosen to spend life with. It will always be us, baby. I am your rock-solid guarantee, just as you are mine. Thank y

ou for loving me in spite of me!

I love you forever times pi cubed plus one,

Your Hermy