Wake up screaming – 4:26am

My Nightmare….

He is finally here,with me. We are stopped at a train crossing by a train, so we get out of the truck we are in. I reach out to touch him. He just walks away. I am crushed but attribute it to nerves. Later – We stop in a place with lots of people in it. It’s kind of like a truckstop. My 6’5″ hubby (he was tall as Daddy) finds out there are showers in the place, and he runs back to them. I go there once I realize where he went, which takes a bit for me to realize.

He is flirting and feeling on nude men. Right in front of me, he grabs asses and seduces them, one by one. I get mad and leave the room. I go up front to the station part. I think and think. I get madder. So I call him on the cell. He responds flippantly that all is going great and he’s having fun. I have fire in my eyes and malice in my soul now. I march, heavy steps, which threaten to rumble the place to ruins, with my eyes flaring, to the showers. I see my husband, and I grab his hand, tell him “Come out of here, NOW, Goddamn you!”

Here’s where the really painful part starts.

I see the pain in his eyes.
He said I was acting like he was giving $50 street blowjobs. I said no they were free in a shower and that he was a common street whore. Do I stop and take it back? No. I keep flinging insults.

I don’t know why I said this in the dream, but I said, “During our 41 seasons together, you have lied to me for 40 of them!!!!” We argue about that, him being sarcastic with me, my being angry and bitter with him.

Shortly after, when we get outside, he begins to cry and Petey comes out and wants to run. I realize what I have done. I have become Jeff!!!! NO, Goddamnit! I am NOT JEFF!!!!!

I grab him tightly around the shoulders, jumping up to do so. I hurl myself to the ground, so he’ll land on top of me. We’re crying in the grass. Together. I’m begging forgiveness and telling him how wrong I am. Begging him not to run. I’ll fix what’s wrong with me, baby!!!! Begging him to let me stop the hurt and make it better. Kissing him.

Then I wake up.